Originally edited and posted by Elite Daily
Every time I’m into a new guy, which is basically like never, one of my best friends never hesitates to give me the lecture on the importance of enforcing the 90 day rule. This withhold of sex until you really know and trust him and his intentions, allegedly takes at the very least, three months. My sister is on the same page, warning me of the dangers that lie ahead if you give it up too soon. Sometimes between the two them, I feel like I’m in an after school special where someone says “If he really likes you he will like you for you and wait”. Really? Even at 35 I have to worry about this?
While I’ve always considered myself somewhat conservative in this department, and have always kept my “number” very low, I admit, I haven’t always agreed with them, arguing that when it feels like the right time, it’s just right. So the great dilemma single women will face forever continues, how soon is too soon to give it up?
I’ve heard arguments on both ends-there’s men who end up marrying the girl they slept with on the first night and others that disappear immediately after. Either way, it’s no secret that most guys exhibit two types of behavior when they’re dating a new girl. I like to refer to these as pre-sex ass kissing and post-sex wall building. You may not notice the jolt of their before and after sex behaviors right away, but it’s likely that if he’s that guy who underestimates or loses his interest after sex, you will gradually encounter differences in him throughout various stages.
In the pre-sex ass kissing phase when you’re getting to know him a few weeks in, this guy is a dream come true. The reason- he’s in full on chase mode. He’s going to do anything and be anything to convince you he’s worthy of you giving it up. This includes his clearing his schedule to accommodate seeing you anytime or place, driving whatever amount of distance to take you to a really nice dinner, or cooking you a really elaborate one at home. If he’s really good at his craft, he may even go as far as bringing you around his friends , (who all secretly know they are never going to see you again), because he is trying to paint the picture that he is going to keep you around regardless if you sleep with him or not.
Try to notice these things as well as little discrete things like he pulls out your chair or opens the car door for you wherever you go- because if he stops doing them after you’ve done the dead, you have your answer.
Setting Up Expectations
Also in the pre-sex phase, texting is a constant flow of compliments, endearments and interest in your life all day long, from morning to night. If you really like him you’re sitting there smiling down at your phone 24/7 and it’s not annoying the fuck out of you like it has with other guys.
He also likes everything you post, comments and makes your existence and his presence on social media known and felt. He calls you baby and sometimes even refers to you as “my girl”. Of course you’re going to get wrapped up and think this is what it will always be like as he is setting up the expectation that he’s so into you that he’s not going anywhere. It’s not hard to hope and believe that he’s going to be this and more once you let him in your bed.
Maybe he really does all this for you because he wants to. It very well could be, so try not to assume the worst. But remember that if that’s the case and he’s feeling you as much as he says and acts like he is, it’s as easy as this-he won’t want to end it so easily just because the chase is over.
Breaking Down Your Walls
In summary, during pre-sex ass kissing, he is gassing you up to take you for a ride, good or bad. You can’t help but to relish in it and hope for the best as you start to fall for him. Even the strongest of walls, such as my own, can crumble if he’s brought his “A” game, which he can and will if he wants it bad enough. And, if he’s consistent and damn good at charming the fuck out of you, chances are you are going to let that wall down sooner than you expected. This is the basis for the 90 day rule and waiting to have sex until you know him well enough that you can answer this one question, “Is he really this amazing or is this an act?”
Female Post Sex Anxiety
Ok, you had sex. Now some degree of anxiety kicks in for us ladies. Was it too soon or am I in the clear? He either becomes a complete asshole and ghosts you OR-he stays consistent and you ride off into the sunset.
In between these two extremes, there is a gray area -his wall building. In the wall building stage, guys are most likely trying to figure out if they want to continue with where things are going with you. He either wants it to or he doesn’t and I’m pretty sure he knows the answer once the chase is over. This is where we feel a shift in his actions towards us. The guy who truly likes you is going to up his ante and be everything he was before and more (you lucky bitch, you survived). But the wall builders are going to take a step back.
The Back Off
If he didn’t step back and knows you’re what he wants, his behavior is only changing for the better, proving that how long you waited didn’t really matter to begin with. But if he decided to back off, he starts to question his feelings or whether he’s up for a relationship with you. He might then begin to seek out other options with other girls and get back on his dating apps. He stops texting or calling as much and seems so much busier and unavailable now. Soon the effort filled dates and willingness to accommodate his schedule to see you stops. It’s beyond confusing because he set a standard and now he’s lowering that and your expectations of him, probably so he can back out easily.
His actions have now caused you to be distant, or for some, a little neurotic, which is only natural as you have some degree of whiplash from his change in behavior towards you. Do you say something and look needy even though you aren’t, or flat out move the hell on?
The Real Him
The real person you are dating has likely surfaced by this point because sex can change things. He either holds up to all the expectations he set in the beginning or you’re left thinking that you just hallucinated the entire thing.
One thing that’s for sure – if you need to have the conversation, that you had to initiate, about what’s changed when you feel the shift, or he avoids it all together, he wasn’t ever that into you.
Let’s be honest, waiting 90 days to have sex with someone who you have a seriously electric spark with is like torture and just makes you want it more. This is especially true when everything they do and say gets you to let your guard down and trust them.
We may not have even known what we even wanted out of him to begin with, or where it was even going, but at the very least, we wanted him to be honest enough to stay true to who you thought he was or decent enough to admit it when he wasn’t.
Time will only tell who he is and if it ends up that you feel you made a mistake in having sex with him too soon or at all, just remember this one thing, you did it because you wanted him for everything you thought he was. Not every girl will be able to say that about him, so consider yourself rare and honest, even if you feel like a fool.
You will get over it, maybe not as easily as he did, but you will. As for the next guy who is lucky enough to date you, hold out a little longer and you will probably find that he was worth the wait.