After throwing in the towel on what Carrie Bradshaw once referred to as ADD (Another Dating Disaster) with someone I really, really liked, I decided I’m so over this. Three glasses of wine in with Drake’s “Views” on repeat,  (which can only make an idiot like me cry) all while stalking IG for clues to why the hell this is happening to me again,  I felt the need to post a stupid FB status about why people dating online are really single at my age. Now, if you know me, you know I rarely post FB statuses, perfect edited pics of my son standing near annoying trains yes, but actual words are rare. Anyhow, I loved the response I got to my made up usernames that would describe why someone was really single that should be required on dating sites (i.e. Imaplayu4real , ASsclown#1, Work_is_mylife187 or ShadyAF32). So I decided it may be useful, therapeutic  or at the very least funny, to share some little online dating tips with my fellow, unattached or divorced people out there because the struggle is real.

So, how can you tell who these people are that you meet online? They look normal, they write seemingly funny and witty messages and texts, their bio sounds like they could be your soul mate and were just sitting there waiting for you to save them from dating (aka, the loss of guaranteed ass). But in my experience, since getting divorced 2 years ago, some are anything but normal and are single for a reason. Now, I don’t want to offend my friends and other typically straight up people that found love online, you were lucky. Props there. However, I’ve come across some shitty ass people, wrapped in perfect pressed Ralph Lauren packages, complete with good jobs, boats and the occasional hot body.

First off,  any person online that chats with you either by always starting off by asking how your morning is, day is so far, weekend was or night is going, SUCKS. You don’t even know me, what do you care how my day is going, so far?  Cut to the chase, are you crazy or an assshole or not? I can’t assume you’re nice just because you want to know what I ate for breakfast, how many times I peed or what I’m making for dinner. C’mon bring something more to the table. What brought you to dating online maybe? What was the worst date you’ve ever been on? Red or White wine? Do you like Lil Wayne and what’s your opinion on Taylor Swift or George W. Bush (I love both and IDGAF). That’s all I’m asking for as a divorced 34 year old woman. You go there, you got me, I’m intrigued. This, however, is just me. But I can tell you, there’s a good chance, that if your convo is as boring AF as “how’s your day so far”, so are you.

Please hear me on this one too. Rethink your profile pics. Don’t post pics of you holding up a fish. What is with the fishing pictures? I don’t get it yet they’re eveywhere. You caught a fish. OK. So is that a metaphor of you catching me? Or other potential mates? I don’t want to see a bulged eye, bloody dead Nemo. I just don’t. Yea you might look hot, but so what. If you want to show you’re on a boat or like the ocean fine, post a pic of you drinking a Corona next to a palm tree with other hot friends. This shows you: a) like beer and drinking, a plus for most; b) have friends and socialize easily (outside of a school of fish); and c) that you are hot. Period. Also, anything with a dirty bathroom or messy bedroom in the background is a serious no no. You’re gross and lazy. And if you’re gross there, you are probably gross and lazy in other places…..Lastly, any shot of you holding your up phone in the pic is just weird. Selfies are fine, but learn how to take them without displaying your arm out in an awkward position in a mirror with a surprised look on your face or your tongue half out. There’s other ways of taking pics, don’t be lazy. Self timer? Maybe get another human being to take it. Don’t be the person that stands in the mirror of a dirty public restroom holding your phone up then rushing to hide it when someone walks in and wonders WTF you are doing. Sloppy pics= sloppy other “stuff”.

I can go on forever, but I’m going to go with one more rule, which to me is the most important. If it looks or sounds too good too be true, it usually is. Don’t settle or stop dating others until you’ve done your research. Anyone that is acting shady just a few weeks in, doesn’t respond to messages in a reasonable time frame,  leaves you with radio silence for hours then texts you first thing the next morning with “Good Morning” like they didn’t just fall off the face of the Earth last night, is shady AF. Someone who is ALWAYS busy or always has an emergency more important than seeing you, doesn’t really wanna chill tonight. Anyone who leaves their phone in the car on dates, or ever, for that matter, is hiding some shit. Don’t be naive. I’m not insisting you stalk but try to find some info before you invest anything in this person. It’s out there. Trust me. Whether it’s an IG post from their random follower of them with another girl the same night they said they had dinner with their mom, a post of them dancing stupidly at some random person’s wedding with their ex when they said they were going to the wedding alone, OR an online court record of their divorce that isn’t even finalized yet. We all know those people that say they are single because they choose to be, or just haven’t found “the one”. It’s usually bull shit. However, if their words match up to their actions, they may actually be a keeper and presenting who they really are. Always look for the consistency factor. That will tell you everything you need to know. Follow your instinct, not everyone is gonna be as honest as making their username Fuckboy81 or posting a pic of themselves looking like crap first thing in the morning after going out and drinking Patron until 3am the night before. So for now, with having learned another valuable 30 something dating lesson, I’m going to take a break from the fish in the sea…literally. But I wish you all the best in your quest for the rest of Summer 16.

Yours Truly,