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Read This if You Think No One Understands What Quarantine is Like For You — April 16, 2020

Read This if You Think No One Understands What Quarantine is Like For You

In early March I was out to dinner with friends talking about plans for the upcoming weeks and our annual girls’ night out for their April birthdays celebration. Every year I look forward to the beginnings that Spring has to offer. Like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, the unveiling of who I will be this summer starts in April. This year I wanted to kick things off in NYC with no one better than my girls turning 39 this year, the last year of our thirties.

We didn’t know how naive and oblivious we were in discussing our options or when briefly brushing off the newly raised concerns about the Corona Virus.

We had no idea that in a few weeks NYC  would be comparable to a scene from a horror movie. There would be no more nights out for a long time, no celebrations and birthdays would only consist of a watching a distant parade of cars drive by and honk for you.

If I had known that this was the last time I was going to see them for months I would have stayed out longer, drank more and hugged them tighter.

The thought of all the things that I had feared in my own personal life this year, thyroid cancer, surgery and a rare heart defect were enough to keep me holding onto them as it was. I was scared but I did not know true fear yet.

I now know fear like I have never known it before. I am confined to my house as the virus has become a pandemic and worldwide crisis. I haven’t thought about myself and my own personal obstacles in weeks. I am now thinking about the state of the world around me.

I am scared but I am not scared for myself.  I am scared for my loved ones who work in the medical field or in essential jobs. I am scared for everyone, especially all the elders and my 95 year old grandfather who has made it this far in life. I wonder if I am ever going to see him again as he was just placed in a nursing home where we are not allowed to see him. I am scared for my parents who are over 65,  not in the best health and are still working.

For the first time in my life, I am scared for strangers. I am traumatized by the news I wake up to like a robot and drink coffee to every morning like it’s Groundhog Day.  Every day is the same. I feel numb.

My heart is broken for my son who is missing the best teacher he has ever had. Being out of school is no longer fun as he now realizes that he will not return to her third grade classroom this year.  He is an only child who has lost most of his outlets, a baseball season that he both watches and plays, play dates with cousins and friends, cub scout meetings and his daily routine of just being a normal kid.

For the first time we both realize that staying home doesn’t have that same luster as it did before. This isn’t summer break or a week off. This is staying home for the safety and survival of ourselves and others. It’s mandatory.

In the past few weeks I’ve become a teacher, a crappy teacher at that while I set my son up on electronics for six plus hours a day as I undo every parenting skill I’ve implemented for the past 9 years. I’m working from home talking to other children online for their counseling sessions as I ignore my own child struggling upstairs. I give him support with his distance learning when I can but so far I am failing miserably as a parent and a teacher.

But the hardest part of this crisis isn’t my own personal failure or my fear. It’s the loss. The loss of life, the loss of normalcy, the loss of simple privileges and the every day things we take advantage of. It’s learning to reconnect to the things that matter in life that we tend to lose sight of- quality time with our loved ones, the ability to touch them, see them and hold their hands, especially in dark times such as these.

I now keep in contact more than ever with the people that matter to me. I realize that I should have reached out more before any of this even happened and that texting just doesn’t cut it. I need to hear a voice. I need to see a face.

I’m thinking about those that I haven’t spoken to and still care about even if we left things on bad terms. None of that matters now. I want to know that they are okay. I struggle every day with making the decision to forget my pride and just reach out to them. I still haven’t and I don’t know if I will. But I pray for them and the rest of the world every day even if I can’t go to church anymore.

When I go outside just for the purpose of getting out of the house, I look around and the world feels eerie. Everyone is doing the same thing. We’re all trying to escape the confines our homes. We’re trying to use fresh air and sunshine as an outlet because we have nothing else. We’ve reverted to primitive times when a stroll outside was leisure, freedom and a privilege. Only now we look at it as a punishment and our only resort.

I am trying to see the positives in a horrific situation. I am lucky to have my health, a home, a job, a family, and all of the every day things we take for granted. I am lucky that I am sheltered from the trauma on the front lines. I will never have to witness death and sickness in this way or fear for my own life every time I go to work. I am thankful that there are heroes among us who are willing to do this on their own honor and grace. They are our saviors.

I know that eventually we will come out of this. We won’t be the same. But we will have been through this together, collectively, and will be given the same second chance to stop and slow down and rethink about what matters in life. I look forward to returning to normalcy one day even if it’s a new normal.  I will savor life’s precious gifts that I seemed to have forgotten about. That’s what I tell myself to get through the day and the difficult ones that lie ahead.

 

Here’s Why You May Have Got Ghosted By The ‘Nice Guy’ — October 28, 2019

Here’s Why You May Have Got Ghosted By The ‘Nice Guy’

What’s better in October than a good ghost story?

How about a good ghosting story?

While I’m no stranger to the random act of disappearance of someone I thought was into me, every time it happens it’s as shocking as seeing an actual ghost.

Here we go again. Why the hell am I even in this graveyard we call dating to begin with?

Something I’ve learned in the single game is that no one is immune to being ghosted. You can be the hottest girl with your shit together but at one time or another you will experience the cowardly entity that vanishes with no forewarning.

Each and every time we get ghosted we’re left wondering what we did now. Whatever we learned from our last experience and from Facebook links to articles conjured up by our search history that includes the phrase “why did I get ghosted”, is not helping us understand how someone could just disappear on us like that.

I’ve been told over and over again by friends and family, that it’s not me, it’s the type of guy I gravitate towards that’s resulting in my perpetual haunted house. But I know that’s only partially true. Do I have a history of falling for emotionally unavailable fuckboys? Absolutely. No one is safe from this evil spirit.

But something that I’ve learned is that not every ghost is a fuckboy. Sometimes it’s not the actual demon it’s the circumstances that conjure up the ghost.

The Phantom Ex

So you’re a few weeks into what seems like smooth sailing with a guy you probably didn’t feign much interest in at first. You were convinced by your friends to give him a chance because he’s a “nice guy” and you need to start scouting these types instead of hot guys with Roman numeral tattoos that live in another state.

Ok fine they have a point so you give it a half ass try. Turns out Mr. Nice Guy is consistent, shown effort and seems to lack most fuckboy red flags, (you know the ones you usually chose to ignore anyway).

You let your guard down and actually start to like this person. You think his intentions are sincere and he hasn’t sent you a recycled unsolicited video of himself in the shower.

Soon you start plotting your future just for the mere fact that he’s still talking to you and interested after you gave it up. He’s so worthy you may have even painfully sacrificed some of your male fan club followers by posting a money shot of you two together.

Then one day he goes missing. You try not to dwell and you aren’t needy so you wait it out. By day three of crickets you know something is wrong. You send out the feeler text to find out what is up. No response. Day four you receive a meaningless text that makes zero sense and goes something like, “Hey sorry I’ve been really busy at work and got caught up. Feeling overwhelmed at the moment and we haven’t really defined what we are but I don’t think I’m up for a relationship right now with all this pressure”.

What the hell does this mean?

He’s back with his ex. He’s shown he can be a relationship guy, he didn’t disappear after sex, he seemed genuinely into you and made an effort. This shows he was not after one thing. However, he probably jumped the gun on his feelings for you in an attempt to get over his ex. Unfortunately once she got wind of you or saw that screen-shotted post of you two, she hit up him. And just like that he was dearly departed.

 

You’re Too Scary

“If I’m such a catch, why does everyone throw me back?” -words I’ve asked myself many times.

You get countless DMs where most men are having conversations with themselves. Your Snapchat is all men who snap you mindless shit all day including their day golfing, what they’re grilling and a daily car selfie with the caption “post gym sess”. You’re dating apps are constantly telling you someone likes you, open it up and see what loser you attracted this time. Getting hit on by men is a daily occurrence for you.

You’re the forever single and eligible girl.

So if there’s a long line of people wanting to date you, why did the one guy you actually wanted to date ghost you?

When you meet him you will think you finally met a guy you will actually give your attention to. He’s putting in every amount of effort needed because he seems to know your worth.

At first he will feel honored that you’re choosing him when you have many options. However, as time goes on, the pressure of keeping up with the expectations that come with dating a girl like you becomes too much. He knows he has to bring his “A” game at all times. This means showing up on time and as expected, delivering a good time- every time and giving you the respect and attention you deserve and demand, no exceptions.

He has to keep your interest, return all texts in a timely manner and answer to you when he does not. You don’t necessarily put these demands out there but he knows you are valuable and what it takes to get and keep you.

A month into bliss with him, he cracks. He has to cancel a date with you out of sheer honesty due to work, a schedule conflict or pure exhaustion. Only when it’s time to reschedule, he disappears. No word from him for days. Where did he go aside from to the gym to post the same shirtless gym selfie on his story.

He went back on Bumble, that’s where. Why? Because you were too much. Dating you was scary and causing him too much stress. There was too much pressure to maintain a girl like you. So he got back online and started swiping again to find some mindless easy going girl with an animal ear profile picture that he can date with little to zero effort. He gets a new and easy start elsewhere and boom, you get ghosted.

 

Horrifying Sex

Let’s be honest, when you like someone you tend to overlook their inadequacies in the bedroom. When he doesn’t live up to the sexual expectations that you had imagined after this long and intense build up it’s disappointing when they don’t deliver.

However, knowing a good man is hard to find, afterwards we often have that secret conversation with ourselves that says, “he’s teachable, he knows how to do other stuff really well and maybe he was just nervous”.

On the other hand, if you delivered anything less than stellar, the probability that you are going to get ghosted afterwards is very high. But in the case where you know your sex game was on point and his was comparable to a scene from an American Pie movie, you will be wondering how he has the audacity to be the one to end it first.

This is the moment when you crack and admit to your friends that he was basically just masturbating with you in the room and he sucked.

Even though an awkward sexual encounter may not be a reason for you to ghost him, he sometimes sees it as a reason to ghost you.

Ninety percent of the D is mental. Yet all we ask is that if he can’t get his head right, he at least get his head game right. Even if he knows this, once he walks out of your bedroom like a wounded soldier who just left war, there’s no bringing him back to the battle field. You’ve planted a seed of defeat in his head and it’s not going away until he’s brave enough to come back and do things to you that Cardi B talks about.

The problems is that certain men can’t handle the fear of trying and failing again. In this case the ghost doesn’t reflect his feelings for you, it reflects his feelings for himself. If he can’t do you the way he knows he should he may do you dirty and just disappear.

No matter what the situation, it’s important to remember that you aren’t always the poltergeist when there’s a ghost at hand. Being ghosted is not always your fault, especially if you pick better men, are smart about your decisions with them and refuse to allow residual hauntings.

Whatever the reason was that he ghosted you, you should never be up for a séance if he returns. You can’t exorcise his inner demons so girl give up that ghost and find a mummy that wants to tie you up instead.

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes You Need to Relive Your History With Someone to Kill Your Hopes of a Future With Them — August 23, 2018

Sometimes You Need to Relive Your History With Someone to Kill Your Hopes of a Future With Them

Read it on Thought Catalog: https://thoughtcatalog.com/marcey-rizzetta/2018/08/sometimes-you-need-to-relive-your-history-with-someone-to-kill-your-hopes-of-a-future/

 

My beautiful and humble cousin who always has such honest and down to Earth advice, said she once told her on and off again almost relationship guy, “The history we had will never work for our future”. Being as strong as she is, after multiple tries with him, she eventually moved on to find the most amazing husband and had a beautiful daughter.

What she said stuck with me. The last time my own almost relationship ended something clicked. I finally understood that when someone cares about you and wants to be in your life they don’t leave. I looked back at all our history and I hated him for all the times he had carelessly hurt me. I hated myself even more for allowing it.

The relief and peace I felt when I moved on was exhilarating. I spent over a year loving myself again, enjoying time with people that cared about me, valued me and my time and treated me well. I knew my worth and didn’t even know who that girl who didn’t was anymore. I felt zero emotion about the memories of him that I once cherished. It all meant absolutely nothing to me. The burden was finally lifted.

So why did the universe send me one last test? When an opportunity came during a vulnerable time when my love life was full of shortcomings, I didn’t see his resurfacing as a test, but more as a twist of fate. I thought that maybe the real test was for me to love myself again, which I had done and passed, and for both of us to finally clear out the clutter in our lives and get to a new place and stage in our lives when we were finally ready to do this right, once and for all.

Despite my initial resistance, weariness and doubts, I didn’t think it was utterly possible for anyone to be so reckless and cruel to ask for another chance only to screw me over for what felt like the millionth time. I knew that I had changed and that giving it another shot wasn’t about me being that same weak girl, it was about forgiveness and a love for him tied to our past that left me questioning if we’d end up having a future.

I wasn’t sure if I could survive another round of us and didn’t want to go backwards and be hurt again so I admitted that my mind and heart were elsewhere. Which was true, initially. But with an open mind soon came an open heart and I believed him when he said he wanted this and realized that I did too. So I would have to start the process of learning to trust that faith in the universe and in him.

It’s easy to trust something when it’s consistent. But it’s not easy to undo inconsistencies and insecurities from the past. The wrestling I felt within myself when his promised effort slacked even the slightest bit drove me back to that place that I never wanted to be in again, questioning intentions, effort and motives all over again. What I needed was commitment and action, not just words and promises that I had heard so many times before. Dating and casually killing time was not enough in the present. We needed something new if we were ever going to have a future.

But we weren’t something new and I honestly don’t think we knew how to be. It wasn’t like when you first meet someone and you need time to see where it’s going while you learn about someone and figure out what you want. Our history had done that for us already.

Just as the story went in so many years past, once I gave into my feelings they no longer seemed to matter to him. Once I became certain, he became uncertain. This is who we always were historically, like magnets, a pusher and a puller. He’d pull, we’d come together, I’d push for more, we’d fall apart.

I could blame myself for wanting it all too soon and being reactive and mistrusting. But I can’t take all that blame because he once programmed me to behave this way and he couldn’t reprogram me without giving me all the things I needed. Honesty, security, commitment and consistency, all the things he seemed to never be able to give me in the past, he could talk about in the future and ease my mind to get what he wanted in the present, but he always ended up falling short. His taking on those expectations for me were like a full time job he didn’t want to show up to every day.

It’s not normal to tell a woman you love her but go some days, all day, without speaking to her at all. To not say good morning, include her in your plans or factor her into your life in any real way, regardless of how soon it may be. Time isn’t of the essence when you’ve already wasted so much of it on someone.

I knew that feeling disappointed about these things was not just my default fear kicking in, it was also his ever present reluctance. It may have been a little bit of both our faults, but in reality, my fear wouldn’t have had to kick in if he had been safe with my heart knowing he had made it fragile to begin with. Finding out that he was still seeking and considering his other options when I had already cut off all of mine, was not the way to my heart that he had asked to have back. Instead he broke it again, against everything I had believed and convinced everyone around me to believe was not possible this time.

History doesn’t guarantee a future, it dictates your behavior in that future. I was hurt too many times to expect anything else and act accordingly even if I got something else. And he had been allowed to hurt me and was forgiven too many times to stop thinking that he could keep doing it whenever he found the need for some quick benefit at my expense. Whether it was out of boredom, for sex, a date to an event, or to piss off a crazy jealous ex and get her to come back, he still had no problem discarding me when he was done.

I had failed the test even though I had learned the lesson many times. Because of our history, he would never see me the way I saw him, no matter how he tried to convince himself he could just becuse it was what everyone else wanted for him. To him I’d always be that 19 year old girl waiting in the wings as a fallback. I’d always be his runner up even though to anyone else I could be first place.

I like to think that I accomplished something with this last round. We came so close this time, close enough for me to see what I really was to him and it finally sank in. Yes I got to say things to him that I’ve been holding in over the years, but it would have felt better if he had been able to take those things and understand where I was coming from instead of using them as the easy out and escape that he was already planning.

Just when I thought I had folded too soon, I realized our future was already in the cards. History repeats itself.

For two people with so much history as friends and something more complicated, who had so many good times, I’m sad at the mess we made.  This wasn’t how I ever wanted us to turn out. But sometimes you have to destroy something from the ground up to make space for something new and sustainable. And if someone can walk away from that work so easily multiple times over, you aren’t what they want for their future, no matter the history.

This Is Why You Should Think Twice About Your Share-It-All Mentality — June 21, 2018

This Is Why You Should Think Twice About Your Share-It-All Mentality

Read this and others on Thought Catalog at: https://tcat.tc/2tqCtgo

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about sharing things with those close to you, especially when it comes to relationships, it’s don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

Having a sympathetic family and a badass group of wildly intellectual and intuitive friends is no doubt a lifeline when you are feeling some type of way. Who needs therapy when you can text in the middle of the night or run over to someone’s patio with a bottle of wine and Marlboro lights at any given moment? Venting and sharing frustrations with those who know and love you can save you from a downward spiral of self-doubt, over-analyzing, and destructive behavior triggered by being screwed over by someone.

But what happens afterward when we choose to continue engaging with someone we bitched about, screenshotted, and whose demise we plotted with friends?

For one, we regret telling anyone anything and we look and feel pathetic.

You can’t take back all the negative things you told others when you were angry or hurting. And those who saw you get torn up over someone’s poor treatment of you find it hard to forget even after you already have. You wanted those close to you to be there for you when you needed support, to agree with the bullshit you were dealing with and to point out all the levels of fucked up something was. But when you choose to let it go it’s hard to explain yourself and your choice to do so.

You said you’d never do it again, yet here you are, down for another round.

You’re backtracking, now adding positive details that you conveniently edited and overlooked. You’re rationalizing; justifying and shifting some of the blame onto yourself about the secret things that you did that make the situation complicated. After you’ve put your spin on something and sold your side of the story in return for some sympathy and lack of accountability on why things weren’t going your way, you’re now being honest that there’s more to the story. You may now understand the pattern of behavior and why he/she does what they do or how you contributed to the dynamic, yet no one is trying to hear it.

You want those close to you to know that it’s not always about you being a fool, or being weak. And it’s not always a lame lesson of forgiveness you’re preaching about to excuse yourself for being a dumbass. There’s no logic in emotion sometimes. When you begin to see a side of someone that’s deeper inside that doesn’t represent what others may think based on the picture you painted when you were mad, it’s difficult to explain this without sounding like a complete sucker. They need to see it for themselves. But most of all if they love you, it’s more than just seeing and taking your word for it. Should they just accept what you chose to accept, regardless if they agree with it or not?

I know not everyone is trained the way I am as a therapist to look deeper than what’s on the surface. I know that when someone is acting out or hurting others, there’s usually more to it than just a bad boy/girl exterior and a long string of careless bad behavior.

Yet I’ve gone up one side and down another about people in my life on an impulse because something felt unfair to me and I was pissed. Only to later see that inside this person, outside of their interactions with me, was something different. They were smart, sensitive, and self-critical and have real emotions, despite what I may have once thought. I’ve seen it in the way they talk about memories from the past and value the ones they love. I realized that they have self-doubts and inner demons and are hurting over many things too but don’t have the same outlets that I do. They are human and have talents and flaws and hopes and dreams for their future, whether or not you’re going to be in it. And despite mistakes they have made, they are still capable of taking care of you behind closed doors and bringing out the best of you at certain times. In the dark, they will hold you close. In the light, it might not be so easy for them. But that’s not about you, it’s about them.

What is about you is the fact that you chose to be a part of this.

This doesn’t mean you are not taking the advice of the people you vented to and it doesn’t mean that you are making excuses. You’re seeing things through your own lens and cosigning to it regardless of how it appears in the eyes of others.

Whether you’re turning over a new leaf with someone or straight up choosing to accept a situation that can’t be changed, at the end of the day, it’s your choice. And as long as you aren’t putting yourself in danger or at risk of being subjected to any type of abuse, the people that mean the most to you will hopefully still be there for you, even if you need to start bitching about it again. Because turning their back on you will only contribute to any shame and confusion you may already be feeling, which is hard enough. If they don’t want someone else hurting you, why would they want to do the same?

Tough love doesn’t always do the trick, some things are tough enough.

The key to keeping your dignity and friendships intact after you’ve returned to the scene of a crime is to focus on the positive, not exaggerate the negative and to keep certain things sacred. You don’t have to over-explain how much different, better or good things are now because if they truly are, they will see it for themselves firsthand as it plays out. And if they can one day see in them what you see, maybe they won’t think you are selling yourself short. At best, they will understand why you find it hard to walk away and won’t judge you when you don’t.

The Honest Reason Why You Are His Placeholder — June 15, 2018

The Honest Reason Why You Are His Placeholder

Read it on Thought Catalog: https://tcat.tc/2t7nHv0

Why wasn’t it me? This is the burning question on our minds when we are discarded by a man that we really wanted things to work out with. Whether they disappeared, failed to deliver all the things we hoped for or passed on us as they set their eyes on someone else, we can’t help but to ask ourselves why we fell short.

While people say everything happens for a reason, and this might give us temporary relief or turn out to be true in some situations, when it comes to men it’s usually pretty cut and dry. If you aren’t with him the way you want to be, you are not their Game Changer.

We as women have been programmed to rationalize men’s behaviors. Seeing something magical in ourselves, which we can easily fake and overestimate, we have a hard time accepting when someone we were interested and invested in did not chose to wife us up. This must be because of some issue within him and not us, right?

We sit across from men on dates wearing our best waist slimming bodysuit and ass hugging jeans, with a perfectly contoured face and balayge hair listing our many accomplishments, successful careers and our exaggerated sense of independence. We hide our insecurities, pretend not to need or want love and we say that we aren’t in search of something serious and are cool with wherever this is going to go. The main goal is to convince him that we are worthy and not like the next bitch.

What we are actually doing is basic-ing the fuck out of ourselves.

No matter how unique or worthy you think you might be, if you don’t truly believe this inside yourself and back it up with behavior that sets you aside from other women, what you’ll find is a man who listens intently pretending to be impressed while seeing through you all the basic things about you that are no different from the last girl. Immediately he knows you won’t be the one. This doesn’t mean that he won’t see qualities in you that he likes or wants to entertain and it sure as hell doesn’t mean he won’t want to fuck you. What it means is you aren’t their Game Changer. What you then become is their placeholder.

The Game Changer is a woman that locks a man down and secures his love. Despite the lies we tell ourselves about why a guy screwed us over, there is no such thing as a man who doesn’t want to commit or is afraid to get tied down.  Most men do want to settle down and fall in love, the difference is that they fear settling down with mediocre. Men who are confident know that the one woman who can break them will come eventually. If it’s not you, but you come close, you’re good enough to join their team for a while as a placeholder while they wait for her to show up.

While spending increased time with him, you may start to feel and think he’s falling for you. Yes, he’s taking you out, he’s listening and eating up everything you say, and he compliments you and makes it no secret how bad he wants you. There’s nothing wrong with him doing that. The issue lies within us in that while we as woman tend to read into what all that means, envisioning our future together, he’s over there taking it day by day just killing time until his real person shows up.

And until the dreaded “where is this going” conversation happens, we can’t blame him for that, what we should blame is our tendency to be so trusting and eager to lay all our cards out on the table just because a qualified player showed up with their poker face.

Because of this, most women do not even know that they are in the placeholder status and don’t realize it until it’s too late and they have vested all their time and energy into a man who eventually dumped them because they didn’t want a relationship. Only to find shortly after that he’s blissfully committed to someone else.

It doesn’t matter how much of a catch you think you are, how many other people want you, how successful you may be, how good you look or how good you sexed him, if it wasn’t you, it wasn’t you.

Looks and lust may get you through the front door, but they don’t give you the master key.

As a placeholder, those things may have earned you value as a sexual object that he can keep around because you’re good enough for now to pass time but you lack complete long term value-and once he has decided this, there is nothing you can do to change it. He may have seen something in you, not a future but an opportunity to fill a void and get the benefits of a girlfriend whenever he feels like it without the commitment or pressure. This is much easier than him having to put in the effort in to go hunting for something else while waiting around for his Game Changer to arrive.

Time spent that you thought was meaningful was really just boredom and a connection that you imagined was really just convenience.

When someone says they aren’t capable of giving you what you want or can’t make the necessary sacrifices to keep you, but they can do it for someone else, the bottom line is that you are only an option, a placeholder. Because the person who wants you as their first prize winner, won’t award you runner up status in their life.

Men don’t want an average self-proclaimed bad bitch. Even the baddest bitches can one day become the girlfriend or wife who tries to change him, keeps him away from his friends or family, makes him sacrifice the things he loves and stops giving him head. Men are smart, especially the ones who are still single. They stayed this way for a reason. Most importantly, they’ve seen and had your kind before. What they are looking for is something that they find in you that they haven’t found elsewhere.

Whatever this is varies from man to man, but one thing that all Game Changers have is true confidence. Whether that confidence is within her ability to keep her options open, her intuition to spot and not put up with bull shit, autonomy to do her own thing, or courage to ask him more questions and to prove himself before she invests anything- she doesn’t just speak of her worth, she conveys it in her behavior.  It’s more than just being sexy, or being a good listener or fun to be around. You may be all those things, but if you can’t really get him to let his guard down enough to see who he really is and make it a priority to do so before you make a decision about what you even want out of him, AND he recognizes this, your value has immediately gone down.

 No man who feels that you were meant for him will ever let you get away. There is no such thing as the right woman at the wrong time. If you are the right woman, timing is of no concept. Obstacles become obsolete and barriers become a welcome challenge.

You’re never going to be the right woman for any man if you don’t first see and treat yourself as capable of changing the game instead of just sitting the bench looking good in your uniform like everyone else. So instead of asking yourself why it isn’t you, take a closer look at who he is and decide if you even want it to be you in the first place. Then go out and make it be you.

 

The Unedited Truth About What It Feels Like To Be Attached To Your ‘No Strings Attached’ — May 25, 2018

The Unedited Truth About What It Feels Like To Be Attached To Your ‘No Strings Attached’

Read it on Thought Catalog: https://tcat.tc/2IIM9NH

When something feels so right, it’s hard to believe that it’s not real.

When you meet someone that seems to be a mirror of yourself, it’s like immediately feeling that you are in a safe place, somewhere familiar and with someone you’ve known forever. Theirs is the only ego that can match and even contend with yours. No one else can read your mind the way they do and likewise, even though you don’t speak of this. You can understand every game they play because you play them too, you did this even before you ever met them. You know how to reel them in once they’ve pushed you out and they know how to push you out once they’ve gotten sucked back in.

There’s something between you two that feels different than anything else. There’s no commitment, but there’s ownership. There’s no consistency aside from being inconsistent and no matter how much time goes by, you can pick up where you left off and add another chapter, but with the same content.

Each time you think it will be the last time.

When it’s not, you wonder how long you both will go this time around trying to rid yourself of each other by not speaking and keeping distracted with others that you convince yourself will do the trick this time. You don’t know if you’re even going to make it a day, never mind the weeks that lie ahead. But you do it effortlessly because it’s all you know. It’s all you’re allowed.

When they’re gone again, you can go on, you can be happy and indulge in other things, but when they return, none of it is even relevant.

It doesn’t compare to that excitement and nervousness you felt when you got the text that they were almost there and about to be standing in front of you. Remembering how it felt when they would barely make it through the door without throwing you up against the wall and kissing you like no one else can. Flashbacks of him carrying you up the stairs laughing because you couldn’t get to your bedroom soon enough. Or that brief moment when you woke up for a split second and opened your eyes to him watching you sleep. You spent hours tangled up and felt like you could never get enough.

How can it be that none of this means anything to either one of you?

Do they remember it the way you do when they’re gone? It’s burned in your brain and in your senses. Can you really fake this kind of connection? Or do you have to run away from it?

You hate them for all of it. They hate you too.

You don’t want to want each other and need what you have, but you can’t ignore and resist the fact that you do. It’s not logical to anyone but the two of you. You know it’s no good for you, but it would be worse for you not to have it. You know that one day it will all just be a memory when one of you has finally come to their senses and finds something else that doesn’t have to pretend that it’s not real.

You can’t wait for this day, as long as it’s you that found the way out first.

Everything A Guy Will Do If He’s Just Not That Into You —

Everything A Guy Will Do If He’s Just Not That Into You

Read it on Thought Catalog here: https://tcat.tc/2IOLO84

 

14 years ago, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo changed my life with their book, He’s Just Not That Into You. Having first watched that epic scene in Sex and the City where Berger told Miranda that the real estate guy just wasn’t that into her, I needed more of this cold-hearted but enlightening truth straight from the writers themselves.

In 2004, dating looked much different than the present day. Our version of a text was a MySpace message and a booty call came in the form of either a chirp from Nextel or a T-Pain ringtone to our Motorola phones at 1:58 a.m. But even though things have progressed in the present day to texts, snaps, DMs, dating apps, FaceTime sex, (I kid you not) and dick pics, I still use my knowledge from the book and have repeated to myself on many occasions that infamous line, “Busy is another word for asshole.”

I’ve used the book, (the movie is annoying AF), as a foundation to every dating situation I’ve ever been in or heard about since then and applied their theories about mixed messages, lack of response, and lack of follow through, all summing up to one basic thing, he’s just not that into you. And since then, over the years as dating has evolved, I’ve gotten more applicable material of my own through my career as a therapist as well as first-hand experiences on all of the things men do that lead straight back to this one fact.

It’s not rocket science, but for those of you confused by a man’s behavior, here’s a little refresher course.

They Don’t Respond to Messages

Seriously, how damn hard is it to respond to a message? We’ve all asked ourselves this many times. Unless your phone is at the bottom of a pool, your hands fell off or you died, there is simply no reason not to respond to a message…eventually. I am not saying you have to get a response immediately, but I am saying that if a guy doesn’t respond to any type of message or picture you sent, they don’t want what you’re offering. Unless there is a valid reason to not respond to a message or phone call, a guy is not thinking about you enough to hit you back or care what you think when he doesn’t.

Leaving you on read can mean a few things, none of which are good. Either he doesn’t care enough to respond, is with another chick and/or he is ghosting you. Not replying to a message IS a message and it means IDGAF. Very rarely you could also be dealing with someone who is playing the “lack of reply game” that gets you to overthink what he is doing and catch more feelings, which is very deliberate but at least shows he cares enough to want some sort of response from you. However, do not put any thought into this because games=asshole.

They Don’t Reach Out During Important Times in Your Life

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone or have been talking to/dating them, if they don’t reach out to you when they have knowledge of something big happening in your life, they aren’t into you. Examples of this include, you got hurt or are sick, someone in your family died or had an accident, your pet ran away, or your house burnt down etc. I am also referring to positive things like you got a promotion or new job, you lost 20lbs in a week (you wish), you bought a house, you became an aunt, or your child had a significant achievement.

When someone cares about you or at the very least is interested in you, they want details about things in your life, good or bad. They want to congratulate you or tell you they are sorry. It’s genuine human emotion that causes the reaction in someone to want to check in with you or let you know they are thinking about you.

They Only Reach Out When You Post Something

So you got a message because you posted a thirst trap pic and you look amazing. Yes, it might feel validating and boost your self-esteem, but when a guy likes a post, watches your story or snap, DMs you or reaches out in any way after you post a fire pic, this does not mean they are into you. It means they are a man. They like what they see, it’s visual and physical and they want your attention at that moment, or to remind you that they exist. It’s like they’re saying “Hi, I’m still here”. None of this has anything to do with caring about you on a deeper level. Do not confuse someone liking what you look like with someone liking you as a person.

If a guy has a reaction to your post, the bottom line is that’s all it is, a reaction; a reaction that you intentionally caused. So hearing from him afterward is not because he was thinking about you or missing you or thinking about seeing you again, etc. You prompted the message and impending meet up with bait and reeled him in. If you hadn’t posted anything, would you have even heard from him at all? Probably not. By all means, post away, I’m a total advocate of and frequent user of the thirst trap, but do it for yourself not to fish for some guy that totally forgot about you for a minute. Wouldn’t you rather hear from someone out of the blue because they were randomly thinking of and miss you?

He Doesn’t Text or Call on Holidays or Birthdays

Repeat after me. A birthday text the day AFTER your birthday does not count as a happy birthday. It’s very hard to miss birthdays these days unless you live in a cave, as I’m pretty sure they either got told by Facebook at 8:34am that it was your birthday and/or viewed your multiple IG posts so there’s no excuse. If someone cares about you whatsoever, they are thinking about you, if not often, at least on your birthday. The same goes for holidays.

Not wishing someone a Merry Christmas is like a death sentence in my book. There are people in my life that I only reach out to or hear from once a year and it’s always on Christmas. It’s that time of year when everyone is allegedly blissful and feeling nice, so if someone doesn’t think of you at Christmas, sorry, they really don’t like you or are intentionally slighting you. I know this because I’ve purposely done this in retaliation when someone’s forgotten me and neglected to reach out first or in years past.

Prime example, I’m a mother but I really don’t consider Mother’s Day a holiday. However, a few very thoughtful men wished me a happy Mother’s Day. Some I was not expecting to hear from, some significantly younger than me but still mature and decent enough to realize it meant something to me, others I have never even met in person and some I hadn’t heard from in months. There are two types of guys in this world, the ones that remember you on every holiday and birthday and the ones that don’t.

They Don’t Go Places with You

If someone is into you they want to be seen in public with you. They are proud of what they have landed and want to show it off, impress you and show you a good time. A guy who is into you wants to date you. By date I do not mean that they come over. I mean a plan that involves leaving your house. I’m not referring to them having to spend money on you, I’m talking about doing something with you that does not involve your bed or couch. Hanging out at home is totally fine, but if a guy doesn’t throw in a day or night out with you once in a while, chances are he doesn’t like you on that level.

Guys know that they need to show effort if they want to get and keep a girl’s attention, at the very least initially. When the effort disintegrates, it’s likely so has his interest. If they can do the bare minimum to even hook up with you, you better believe that’s all they will and want to do, unless they truly like you. In this case, the effort will continue and they will want to do things with you and take you out, not just because they want to make you happy, but because they enjoy spending time with you like this.

They Cancel Plans with You

Yes, things come up, emergencies happen, schedules change, but the exception here is that when a guy has to cancel plans but really wants to see you, he reschedules them upon canceling them with you. He’ll apologize profusely and make it a point to make it up to you. His story of why he has to cancel will add up and not be vague or ridiculous and you’ll hear from him during the time you were supposed to hang out.

Canceling plans with you because work has been crazy, they cracked a tooth, beat up their neighbor, played 39 rounds of golf, their grandmother had a tick on her and their stepmother’s third cousin’s hamster died, are not valid reasons to blow you off. Please do not play into ridiculous excuses, no matter how they can back it up. If someone really wants to see you, they make it happen. Think of all of the times you dropped something important or rearranged your schedule for the dude you were sweating at the moment. Not accommodating their schedule or prioritizing something stupid means he doesn’t want to or care enough to see you. Like my best friend always says, “If someone can go months, let alone weeks, without seeing you, they don’t give a shit about you”.

One thing I always do when I’m trying to rationalize a guy’s behavior, is I try to picture what it would sound like if I overheard a stranger telling her friend a guy has done any of these things and what my reaction would be. I also try to think of what I might sound like to my happily married girls when trying to decipher why this guy is doing what he is doing. The answer, fucking stupid. So it’s not likely that just because it’s me and I’m the one experiencing it, I’m smarter and this doesn’t apply to me. It does.

When the writing is on the wall, read that shit. You do not have to decipher hieroglyphics, it says, “He’s just not that into you”. When he is, he won’t risk engaging in poor behavior that will subject him to losing you. So, if you’re looking for something more than just a fling, be wary. If you want to keep things casual, you can disregard the signs and have a good time at best, but remember, even something casual should be something that’s earned.

“You are too pretty and too smart to be someone’s fuck toy.”  – Words of wisdom from my friend Jen

Protected: What Is The Difference Between Not Settling And Being Too Picky? —
Why You Should Lose Sight of Your Expectations After Divorce — September 21, 2017

Why You Should Lose Sight of Your Expectations After Divorce

 Read it on Thought Catalog: http://tcat.tc/2yeMsGB

Yesterday, just 4 days shy of what would have been my 9th wedding anniversary, I sat on the front steps of my old house and tried to wrap my head around how I got here. When I say “here”, I’m referring to my life, three and a half years post-divorce. They say time is supposed to heal, but there are days like this, when it feels like I haven’t done much of it and the memories sting. But not as much as the pain in picturing what should have been.

I was waiting for my son’s school bus to drop him off at his dad’s house, which used to be mine too and for some reason, still feels like it is. I miss my house, my neighborhood, my dog, and my plants that are now dead. My car is parked in the driveway, but it’s not my driveway anymore. I can sit outside, but I can’t go in. And I all I could think to myself is that I should be standing there with an unlocked door, baby in one arm and dog at my side waiting for my son. Right after he ran into my arms off the bus, we would all go inside so I can start making dinner. Instead I sat there alone, had a good cry and when he walked off the bus silently, we got into my car and drove away. Away from everything that I have ever wanted for myself, and for him.

Getting divorced wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me, but sometimes I can’t believe where I am now verse where I expected and wanted to be in my life at 36 years old.

So I ask myself where do you want to go Marcey? And although I can see a clear picture of where I think want to be, I just can’t seem to get there. Some days I just want to be a mom who puts every fiber of her being into her child and a loving husband. Others I just want to be young, beautiful, single and carefree. The truth is I don’t know what I want. This is probably the reason I am still single. Whether it’s because I’m sabotaging opportunities on a regular basis with decent men or I’m craving the bad boys, I know that subconsciously, I’m not backing myself into a corner where I need to decide what I want, because I can’t.   

 I live two lives since my divorce. One of them feels like a part time mother, which I did not sign up for. School, baseball, karate, homework, dinner, bath time, every single thing my son needs for either a 2 or 5 day stretch, is all me and me alone, with no help. While I have gotten used to that, I have not, and never will, get used to the fact that following those days on, I am left by myself, childless for as much as 5 days straight. I never imagined when I had a baby that I would have to endure going even a day without my child. But now I have no choice.

The first day to myself I can breathe and rest and do whatever my heart desires, yes it feels good to a tired mom, at first. But after this, the sadness kicks in as doing things for myself gets old. I have no choice but to get out there looking my best, slap on a smile and try to live it up. This does not make me any less of a mother.

I tend to overindulge in myself on my childfree days because there is no other way to numb the pain of being apart from my son and not being able to do “mom” things on certain days. This is my second life, the one my ex-husband likes to refer to as my “acting like a 17-year-old”. While I most certainly do not agree, I admit that this other me is selfish. She wants to have a good time. She wants to be drooled over by men. She wants to go out all night with her friends, be taken on extravagant dates with above average men and she wants to brag about all of it. Part of this is just me, but most of it has nothing to do with arrogance and everything to do with feeling inferior that I am not living the same “expected” life as my friends and most people my age.

I do not have family photos on a beach, nor do I get to take family vacations anymore. I don’t have date night with my husband. I do not have a house and yard with a swing set and a doghouse out back. I do not have newborn photos and I don’t know if I ever will again. All I know is my life right now and I have to indulge in it regardless of what it is or what it looks like to others. I have my son and I have myself. Both need tender love and care.

I can’t preach about making the most out of a divorce. I have yet to do that. I am still angry at myself for all the mistakes I made that I cannot change. I have forgiven my ex-husband, but I will never accept or respect the woman who got involved with him during our marriage. Not because I am not over him, but because I hold myself to higher standards and morals to ever go after someone else’s husband, especially if I had my own along with children at home. This does not make me bitter. Better -yes, bitter- no.

At the end of the day, even though some days, like yesterday, are still hard, and I have all these thoughts, I simply don’t go forward when I stay stuck in the past. There are times spent sitting with my ex-husband at sports or school events where we still try to be a team and talk and sometimes laugh, and I have that brief moment where I wish things were different despite everything that happened. But they did and I’m reminded of this when I deal with his constant indifference towards me and listen to him still put me down just as much as he used to. It’s then I remember that we were not right, he was not right, and that’s how I got here.

When something in life doesn’t go as planned, it’s disappointing and painful. But as events unfold and situations change, I’ve learned that the only way to cope is to roll with it. Whether I’m sad and unhappy in my current situation or feeling wild and free and lucky to be able to do whatever the hell I want, I only feel better when I take it day by day and let myself feel whatever I need to feel. And when I stop expecting it to look like what I thought it would look like, only then can I see my life for what it is now. And it’s not that bad, not at all.

 

Protected: Didn’t We Almost Have It All — July 11, 2017