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Why You Should Lose Sight of Your Expectations After Divorce — September 21, 2017

Why You Should Lose Sight of Your Expectations After Divorce

 Read it on Thought Catalog: http://tcat.tc/2yeMsGB

Yesterday, just 4 days shy of what would have been my 9th wedding anniversary, I sat on the front steps of my old house and tried to wrap my head around how I got here. When I say “here”, I’m referring to my life, three and a half years post-divorce. They say time is supposed to heal, but there are days like this, when it feels like I haven’t done much of it and the memories sting. But not as much as the pain in picturing what should have been.

I was waiting for my son’s school bus to drop him off at his dad’s house, which used to be mine too and for some reason, still feels like it is. I miss my house, my neighborhood, my dog, and my plants that are now dead. My car is parked in the driveway, but it’s not my driveway anymore. I can sit outside, but I can’t go in. And I all I could think to myself is that I should be standing there with an unlocked door, baby in one arm and dog at my side waiting for my son. Right after he ran into my arms off the bus, we would all go inside so I can start making dinner. Instead I sat there alone, had a good cry and when he walked off the bus silently, we got into my car and drove away. Away from everything that I have ever wanted for myself, and for him.

Getting divorced wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me, but sometimes I can’t believe where I am now verse where I expected and wanted to be in my life at 36 years old.

So I ask myself where do you want to go Marcey? And although I can see a clear picture of where I think want to be, I just can’t seem to get there. Some days I just want to be a mom who puts every fiber of her being into her child and a loving husband. Others I just want to be young, beautiful, single and carefree. The truth is I don’t know what I want. This is probably the reason I am still single. Whether it’s because I’m sabotaging opportunities on a regular basis with decent men or I’m craving the bad boys, I know that subconsciously, I’m not backing myself into a corner where I need to decide what I want, because I can’t.   

 I live two lives since my divorce. One of them feels like a part time mother, which I did not sign up for. School, baseball, karate, homework, dinner, bath time, every single thing my son needs for either a 2 or 5 day stretch, is all me and me alone, with no help. While I have gotten used to that, I have not, and never will, get used to the fact that following those days on, I am left by myself, childless for as much as 5 days straight. I never imagined when I had a baby that I would have to endure going even a day without my child. But now I have no choice.

The first day to myself I can breathe and rest and do whatever my heart desires, yes it feels good to a tired mom, at first. But after this, the sadness kicks in as doing things for myself gets old. I have no choice but to get out there looking my best, slap on a smile and try to live it up. This does not make me any less of a mother.

I tend to overindulge in myself on my childfree days because there is no other way to numb the pain of being apart from my son and not being able to do “mom” things on certain days. This is my second life, the one my ex-husband likes to refer to as my “acting like a 17-year-old”. While I most certainly do not agree, I admit that this other me is selfish. She wants to have a good time. She wants to be drooled over by men. She wants to go out all night with her friends, be taken on extravagant dates with above average men and she wants to brag about all of it. Part of this is just me, but most of it has nothing to do with arrogance and everything to do with feeling inferior that I am not living the same “expected” life as my friends and most people my age.

I do not have family photos on a beach, nor do I get to take family vacations anymore. I don’t have date night with my husband. I do not have a house and yard with a swing set and a doghouse out back. I do not have newborn photos and I don’t know if I ever will again. All I know is my life right now and I have to indulge in it regardless of what it is or what it looks like to others. I have my son and I have myself. Both need tender love and care.

I can’t preach about making the most out of a divorce. I have yet to do that. I am still angry at myself for all the mistakes I made that I cannot change. I have forgiven my ex-husband, but I will never accept or respect the woman who got involved with him during our marriage. Not because I am not over him, but because I hold myself to higher standards and morals to ever go after someone else’s husband, especially if I had my own along with children at home. This does not make me bitter. Better -yes, bitter- no.

At the end of the day, even though some days, like yesterday, are still hard, and I have all these thoughts, I simply don’t go forward when I stay stuck in the past. There are times spent sitting with my ex-husband at sports or school events where we still try to be a team and talk and sometimes laugh, and I have that brief moment where I wish things were different despite everything that happened. But they did and I’m reminded of this when I deal with his constant indifference towards me and listen to him still put me down just as much as he used to. It’s then I remember that we were not right, he was not right, and that’s how I got here.

When something in life doesn’t go as planned, it’s disappointing and painful. But as events unfold and situations change, I’ve learned that the only way to cope is to roll with it. Whether I’m sad and unhappy in my current situation or feeling wild and free and lucky to be able to do whatever the hell I want, I only feel better when I take it day by day and let myself feel whatever I need to feel. And when I stop expecting it to look like what I thought it would look like, only then can I see my life for what it is now. And it’s not that bad, not at all.

 

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Didn’t We Almost Have It All — July 11, 2017

Didn’t We Almost Have It All

Read it on Thought Catalog: http://tcat.tc/2tayWAQ

No one ever said moving on was easy. But sometimes it feels as if getting over the end of an actual relationship is a walk in the park compared to the nights you will spend awake at night missing something with someone that you never really had.

Often when there’s a break-up, divorce or separation, there are clear reasons why you just couldn’t make it work. And when you are struggling through the pain, these reasons make it much easier for you, and your rational brain, to make peace with the fact that what you wanted just couldn’t be. In an almost relationship though, the struggle lies within trying to grasp why something that seemed so right never made it off the ground.

The limbo we feel when stuck between dating someone and just hooking up with them is exciting. Not knowing where it’s going and if it will end suddenly, makes each and every moment together that much more meaningful. That feeling in your stomach each time you say goodbye, not knowing if it will be the last time, makes letting go so much harder. Because the truth is, when you’re involved in an undefined situation, anytime can be the last time.

When you don’t know where you stand but you know that everything feels so damn good, you roll with that instead of the stress of an actual relationship. It’s carefree, wild and hot. In almost relationships you don’t talk about how you feel, you talk about your days and text about nonsense. In some cases, you don’t talk at all because you’re too busy doing other stuff that you can’t get enough of. You don’t fight because there is nothing to fight about. And when you lose all that, it’s sucks even more than losing an actual significant other that you really couldn’t stand anyway after 4 years.

That’s when we ask ourselves, if it was so fucking amazing, why didn’t it happen for real, not just behind the scenes, after 9pm, or on the 13th of every month? 

Often in the case of the almost relationship, we are left not having the answer. Nothing makes sense. You can re-read every screenshotted text you have, replay every conversation in your mind, but none of it seems as if it was ever real. Do they have multiple personalities? Was it me, was it timing? No, no and no.

The frustration is endless and makes moving on that much harder. Even when we don’t have the answer and learn to accept that, what stings is not just the memory of how amazing it was, but what it could have been. You know damn well that if it became something real, it wouldn’t have ended up in some boring AF, sexless, stale relationship, like some people you know in monogamous relationships complain about. You feel this way because all you ever got to see and feel was the fire and sparking that up with just anyone is rare.

It’s hard not to think about an “almost” person when you drive home from yet another mediocre date and all you can do is chain smoke and think you’re never going to vibe with anyone again or wanna rip their clothes off the way you used to with them. And you’re mad at the universe, and at them because it never became what it should have.

That unattainability keeps us in the mindset that won’t let go of what could have been. Sometimes that’s why after something that never started ended, we can have many opportunities popping up every day with others, but we don’t take them. Because we don’t want what’s easy and laid out for us. Easy is boring and average is conquerable. This actually makes us think even more about what never was because if you can have whatever you want, why the hell couldn’t you have that? This is the unmistakable curse of the almost relationship and why it keeps us stuck.

Luckily, eventually you can get unstuck. Realizing that in the end, they just didn’t chose you. Whether they faked the whole thing, or just didn’t want to or couldn’t give you what you needed, holding a candle to someone who only almost gave you what you wanted is a waste of time. Yes, it could all be so simple, (Lauryn Hill you were right) but someone who can’t see that is not what you want.

Don’t dream of the day they come running back ready to give it their all. It’s likely not going to happen, and if it does, it probably will not come in the shape and form that you hoped. No they’re not going to show up at your door in the pouring rain and if they do, hell I even give you permission to jump on that. But this is not a Taylor Swift song, unless it’s one about someone who screwed you over.

Do not consider yourself lucky if you get some half ass meaningless late night text. This means nothing except I miss hitting that, send nudes or I’m bored. If it did, they would try harder and keep trying. Attempts like that represent exactly why it was what it was, an almost situation-short of defining that they want and need you, fully. If they can’t tell you that or that they want to give it an honest wholehearted try, whether it’s now or later, you have to go on with your life accepting that it just didn’t happen.

Once you can let go of what feels like a missed opportunity with the perfect person for you, you can open yourself up to new opportunities, even if that means sucking it up on shitty dates with knockoffs of them. Because before you got into your almost relationship, you were probably getting over something or someone else, looking for the spark you never thought you would find. But you did, even if it didn’t work out. And if it happened once, it can and will happen again. Next time just remember that almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

 

Stop the Guessing Game: It’s Not You. It’s Him. — June 11, 2017

Stop the Guessing Game: It’s Not You. It’s Him.

A reader asked me a few weeks ago for advice on her almost relationship. That’s when I decided that women everywhere really need to take the guesswork out of dating. Between ghosting, breadcrumbing, benching and whatever the hell else, it feels like all dating has become is a guessing game with drinks, dinner (if you’re lucky), and sex.

Natasha this one is for you…..

Also check it out here, originally posted on Thought Catalog at: http://thoughtcatalog.com/marcey-rizzetta/2017/06/5-reasons-why-he-cant-seem-to-decide-how-he-feels-about-you/

The first time I cried over a boy was in the 3rd grade. My mom consoled me by telling me that I was beautiful and that if a boy was treating me exceptionally mean, he was hiding that he liked me. I felt much better believing what little girls everywhere are taught at a young age-that when boys chased us around the playground, pulled our hair and called us gross, it was really because they liked us.

That dysfunctional seed gets planted early on. With that, sadly, most of us learned to believe that in order for someone to deal with their feelings of desiring another they have to either play the opposite game or run away.

This need to cover up a positive healthy emotion of caring deeply about another person in a special, more than friends way never made sense to me. And more, if you felt something so great, why wasn’t it acceptable to just say it and show it without all the bull shit? Isn’t that the easiest way to get what you want?

Being an upfront person, I always wanted to say how I felt when I was crazy about someone. But throughout the years, I noticed that whenever I did, no matter how confident I was or how into me I thought someone was, 9 times out of 10 he was a goner. So I often played the game back because I had no other choice aside from moving the hell on to the next guy. But I was young and stupid AF.

What I didn’t realize was that this game was not my issue, it was the guys’ I was choosing. And unfortunately, even though we aren’t in 3rd grade anymore, for some it still is. And in most situations, the issue is usually along these lines:

Insecurity

A guy who feels the need to bait and switch you is insecure. This guy will do everything to show interest and when it’s reciprocated, their initial effort and interest dissipates because insecure guys like and need to feel the upper hand. He likely has an ego he portrays to be very large but ironically he’s like a sad little child being told he isn’t good enough. He can only confirm how great he is when a girl is chasing him and throwing herself at him, which is what he needs for that confirmation.

What he doesn’t realize is that most of these girls only chase him, not because he’s the man, but because she can’t tie him down. What he really needs is a reality check, being a douchebag should not boost your ego, landing a girl who you are worthy of should.

Fear

I’m not a fan of using fear as an excuse, because when you want something bad enough, fear shouldn’t stop you. But for some this isn’t always the case. Giving into his emotions of really liking you and wanting to be with you makes a fearful guy vulnerable. When he’s vulnerable he’s risking giving up his freedom to do what or whoever the hell he wants. Weak men don’t want to feel weaker by giving up their power to any woman.

Strong men, however, will never react to fear and stay who they are regardless of their feelings for a woman. They also see committing to someone else as an opportunity to become a greater man, not a scared pussy.

Immaturity

When a guy doesn’t have his shit together, he is usually aware and self-conscious of it no matter how hard he tries to hide it. This guy does not need a reminder of his lack of progression from anyone. So when a girl comes along that wants more of him, even if she doesn’t care about his current status in life, the only way for him to bury that is to run before she gets too close. This run is usually to another girl who doesn’t have her shit together either so he doesn’t feel as bad about himself, or to several different girls who never get the chance to get close enough to see the real him or notice that he’s accomplished very little in life.

What he fails to recognize is that by ruining things with someone who wants him regardless of his lifestyle, he stays stuck in that pattern that keeps him from moving forward in his life.

Emotional Unavailability

The emotionally unavailable guy has underlying issues that he refuses to deal with. This is usually a combination of all of the above, but what makes him even more unavailable is the distinct fact that he is stuck on something that happened to him that he can’t come to terms with. Whether this is something that happened in his childhood or in his last breakup, this guy fucks up every potential relationship he has because he’s learned unhelpful relationship patterns at some point in his life and won’t work through them.

Emotionally unavailable guys sabotage even the best situations because it’s easier to hurt someone else before they get hurt like they have in the past. What’s really sad here is not only that their past has nothing to do with someone new, but that they are closing themselves off to happier and more positive experiences in their future that can help them move forward. However, their pride won’t let them admit there’s a problem there.

Control

Guys who need to control every aspect of their lives have trouble relinquishing any part of themselves to anyone that can possibly change who they are or what plans they have set in their mind for themselves. Possibilities are not endless with him because it’s only about what they want or see happening to them. Encountering anyone that might challenge their status quo will probably result in them ghosting to avoid losing control.

It’s not just control over their plans in life, but there’s also a need to control what happens to them. This is why they often end something before it even starts, because they chose it- not someone else.

If you’ve ever wondered how a fuckboy was bred, chances are, it was out of one or all of the above scenarios. Obviously if a guy is playing all sorts of games and won’t verbalize how he feels, let’s not underestimate the very plain and simple explanation that he may just be an asshole or just isn’t that into you. Smart girls should be able to tell the difference.

However, if you find yourself navigating a situation with someone that blows hot and cold, it’s hard to not blame yourself and ask what the hell is wrong with you, especially when your gut is telling you that there is something special between you two. But- if you’re afraid of pushing him away by saying how either one of you feels even when it’s obvious, it’s likely that you’ve encountered someone else’s issue that has nothing to do with you- no matter how much they try to make you feel like it does. Unfortunately, you can’t fix someone else’s issues or save them.

Guys who can’t look at themselves deep enough to realize why they act this way when faced with their feelings for another usually ruin the best things that come their way. And they will continue to do it if they can’t be upfront because they take unresolved parts of themselves wherever they go.

Breaking patterns and confronting issues is never easy for anyone, especially men. But that first step in admitting feelings before it’s too late is much easier than regret. Afterall, you can’t just jump in your DeLorean and go back in time. It’s not 1985, and it’s not Opposite Day, so if someone can’t show what’s in their heart, head to a future where words, actions and feelings all align.

 

 

The Hate You/Miss You Cycle. — May 10, 2017

The Hate You/Miss You Cycle.

Contrary to what most people would say, sometimes when someone hurts us we need to hold onto the pain and anger we feel, at least for a certain period of time. Yea, it sounds insane and un-therapeutic, especially coming from a therapist, but when the anger subsides, especially without healing, what’s left is usually that layer of intense feeling of missing someone-or something that we should not be missing. What comes next is an ongoing oscillation of hating someone combined with missing the fuck out of them, depending on the day.

You would never consider letting someone who hurt you back in your life. And hell if you did, your friends and family would probably have you committed. On a rational day of thinking you would commit yourself. But we all have irrational and emotional days. And on those days, we think that those same people we ran and cried to should shut the hell up because they aren’t you. They weren’t there during your most private moments with this person, felt what you felt, heard your conversations or saw the way they looked at you. So you justify in your head, that for the moment, you are allowed to miss them and fantasize that they are back in your life. And if they were, they would all just accept it because all the wrongs were made right.

You know it’s terrible for you to be feeling, let alone thinking this, but some days you just wake up with it. You had a dream about them. It felt real. You heard a song that instantly transported you to a time that you spent together before they hurt you. You once looked back at this time and felt sick, but today you would give anything to go back. You smell something as simple as really humid air, and it feels like a season in your life with them that made you feel more alive than you ever were. On these days, it’s easy to forget all the bad and let it all go-if you could just see them and feel them one more time. Maybe it would be like none of it ever happened.

But it did and they aren’t doing anything to make it different.

Once we get past these days, where we almost caved and sent that text, we are back to our rational selves. Sometimes not only are we rational, we are even more mad, not only at ourselves for even conceiving of the fact that things could be different, but are again angry at them. When thinking about the good times and what could have been, it’s very easy to feel the initial hurt all over again because it feels like going back to the scene of the crime. If it once felt so good, how and why did they have to make it end feeling so bad?

Even if you’ve technically gotten over it and moved on, it’s hard to make peace with the fact that someone made you feel as bad as they did, and more importantly that even though we know this, a part of us still wants to reach out and undo what’s already been done.

Wrestling with that burning desire for answers or to see them, even though you feel like you hate them starts to take over once we give in to the feeling of what feels like missing them. That in return can lead to the mental back and forth of wondering if you should reach out with then how you could even consider this after everything that’s happened. Are you out of your mind?

The answer, no. If you actually do it, yes. It’s okay to want to do it but then re-examine what the hell purpose this could possibly serve you. We’ve all been there. When someone is a part of our lives one way or another, getting used to the fact that they aren’t anymore, and that you most likely didn’t chose this, they did, is not easy. A part of us always wants to know if they miss us like we miss them, if they remember and think about those ridiculously hot nights despite what’s happened, and mostly, if they regret their decision. But the truth is, even if they do, the past can’t be changed, especially when they aren’t re-appearing in the present or attempting to create a different future with you.

Accepting that good times were really fucking good and allowing ourselves to leave them behind as memories that we grab onto when something reminds us, is okay. Even if it hurts to know that we can never feel that again, those memories are still ours. And more importantly, even though they aren’t here anymore, they’re still theirs too, whether they want them to be or not. Even if you never see them again, no one can change that it all happened. It’s whether you chose to remember the good or bad times that will define how you cope with what’s happened and how you go forward.

If you chose to hold onto the bad, that’s okay. Sometimes it’s better to be bitter than sad. Being angry will ensure that you will never cave on your vulnerable days. That’s not to say that vulnerable days won’t happen, but you will never be tortured about missing them bad enough to give into what you’re feeling. Truthfully, when someone can catch you on your vulnerable days, if you haven’t healed, you open yourself up to the risk that they will hurt you all over again. This is why we shouldn’t stay in the place where we forget the pain.

Unless they find you, (which they know where and how to), and want to make it right,  it’s better to remember that what you are likely missing is not an actual person, it’s a feeling. Missing how someone made you feel, especially when it’s a hot passionate mess, is not the same as missing an actual person and everything they are. And more importantly, even though no one seems to be “them” to you, there will always be people that can and will make you feel the way they did-good. But without the bad.

Why Stereotyping Single People Is Making Us All Jaded And Undatable — April 16, 2017

Why Stereotyping Single People Is Making Us All Jaded And Undatable

Charlotte York once said “I’ve been dating since I was 15, I’m exhausted where is he?” . Despite the fact the Sex and the City has been my Bible since 1998, it drove me nuts how marriage obsessed she was. In most episodes, especially that particular one, she was on a mission to find the white knight to save her from dating hell. While they all had their own personalities and desires when it came to men, something about Charlotte’s desperation represented one of the major misconceptions about single quarter life women everywhere.

It’s sad to say, but to most men, there’s something about an unmarried woman in her late 20’s through her 30’s that just screams desperation and clinginess. It’s such an unfair assumption, especially when not all of us are this girl.  And, as a divorced, single 35 year old woman who’s been there and done that in the happily ever after game,  I find it hard to portray what I want from a man because of this.  When did it become okay to put all single girls 25 and over in the “dying to get married” box?

Just because I don’t want to get screwed over and I expect consistency and demand respect from any man, that does mean that I fit in that category, yet I always have to seem to try and prove this to every guy that I end up in being interested in.

A guy once told me not to be “that girl” just because I expected a response to a message. Knowing I am definitely not, I responded by telling him not to be “that guy” then. What we were really referring to in code language that all single people everywhere know, is the girl who becomes too invested and needy and the guy that gets what he wants and doesn’t want much more- aka-the single male and female archetypes.

I know I sure as hell am not needy, so it pisses me off that I constantly have to prove that I’m not. Yes, I’ve really wanted something with someone so bad that I fought for it until I just couldn’t fight anymore- And I’ve also really liked someone early on and not been afraid to show it. But if I do certain, very common things, I have to worry that I’m going to scare a man off, even if I’m sure he likes me. Its fucking childish and stupid, but it’s unfortunately where we women are at in the dating game.

Whether a woman is simply making time for a man she likes, letting him hit it whenever he wants, talks about him to her friends or introduces him to them or her family members if they randomly run into them somewhere,  that does not mean she’s dying to lock him down so she can marry him.  Yet, often when these things happen, he’s planning his escape.

When did it become such a problem for a girl to make an effort when she actually likes a guy and wants to date, hang out and hook up? It’s ridiculous that woman have to be so conscious of their behavior when men can do and say whatever the fuck they want and not think twice about it.

While it’s obvious that for some, the issue really lies within the man who can’t and doesn’t want to commit, the issue is also with the women who chose these men and let themselves get caught up in trying too hard to win him over.  In trying to get him to want her and only her, she digs her own grave by going to extremes which actually push him away. And honestly, how can anyone blame the guys that run for the hills when she starts laying it on too heavy.

Any smart, self aware, single girl knows that if he isn’t reciprocating in actions or feelings, he’s just not that into you. So she really should stop texting, calling, driving by, and showing up, not only for her own dignity, but also for the ladies out there that she’s giving a bad rep to.

Not every woman is driven by a desire for a future or a serious relationship with every man they meet, and that’s the thing some guys just don’t get. More importantly, if he’s into her, why does that even matter?

The answer is very simple, because most guys have encountered this stereotypical woman several times over and it’s unpleasant for them. So much so that when they get one that is NOT like her, they are too weary and paranoid to even realize it. It’s a prime reason why there are so many missed opportunities with a person that may actually fit perfectly.

If men could just realize that single women don’t have to fall into one of the two categories of either dying to get married or girl who just wants to fuck, they might actually find a perfect balance within the girl who is somewhere in between. That is, if they can relax a little and just let it go where it goes and not bail before she expects too much from him.

At the same time, she needs to be aware of how she presents herself and her level of interest. He doesn’t want a hoe, yet doesn’t want a stage 5 clinger either so he is cautious of every woman that comes his way. While she doesn’t want a fuckboy or serial killer,  she has to pretend she’s cautious too until he has proven otherwise.

There’s no doubt that these misconceptions on both ends can fuck up everyone in the dating pool at a certain age. So we’re all just really sabotaging it for ourselves. If everyone can just view that new person they meet as a blank slate, until proven fucking crazy otherwise, I bet single people everywhere would stop complaining about dating hell and start to enjoy their single life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Social Media or Social Suicide? — March 30, 2017

Social Media or Social Suicide?

Of all the things that push us over the edge in life, it’s hard to believe that one of the biggest culprits for most of us, willing to admit it or not, is social media.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked my girlfriends how crazy would we have been if there were such things as Instagram and Facebook in high school. Now we can also add Snapchat to that list- if some of our OG asses could actually figure out how the fuck to use it. Thankfully I figured that out, even though it took me like 9 months to find where the hell my story was.

I think about all the things social media has driven me to do, discover or go bat shit crazy about since 2008 and I’m amazed at how it’s given me the ability to go from 0 to 100 real quick. The worst part, this was at age 29 and throughout my 30s. I seriously shudder to think what the 18-year- old me in 1999 would have done if my ex-boyfriend liked some thot’s selfie or got tagged at a field party in the woods while drinking Natty Ice without me.

Obviously I see and hear about the effects social media has on teenagers every day, not only with my career, but on the news or in day to day conversations with just about anyone. About 80% of the time the social media banter is not positive. Despite all this, we just can’t seem to pull ourselves away from the urge to know what other people are doing in their day to day lives which usually serves us no purpose.

That urge to refresh and check at a stoplight has only proven one real benefit in my life and that’s changing any stoplight from red to green instantly the minute I pick up my phone-it gets me every time.

While Facebook may have been the biggest trigger of drama and rants for us 4 years ago, it seems as if that has shifted to be our parents’ problem now. While they might be a step behind and are just now stalking their classmates from the class of 72, they seem to now be the ones complaining about what Delores posted or why we blocked them or won’t accept their friend request. I’ll tell you why, because I don’t need your comment on every single picture and status I post and your nonstop questions of what I meant by that or who is with me in that picture. Seriously, I am not 15 anymore. Thanks for ruining Facebook for me. Please don’t ruin IG and Snap for me too. But it’s only a matter of time.

This is the least of the nuisances about the social media world. Between the ambiguous cryptic pity posts, hearing about everyone that is #blessed and the inspirational memes and quotes that we know you are posting for someone who doesn’t actually give a shit to see, it’s seriously annoying. That doesn’t stop us from excitedly opening up our aps as soon as we see the little red “1” though, only to find a fucking Candy Crush invitation. I seriously want to crush you and myself for even staying on here. So why do I?

For one, there are people that I do find funny and interesting and actually care about online. I like to see their posts and pictures and I like sharing mine with them instead of emailing a Kodak Gallery album to 100 people. It’s not 2005 anymore. Technology has really progressed and we want to keep up with the times.

The meme movement is also everything at the moment. How else can I feel like a stranger literally just picked my brain and said something that I thought no one else thought but me? Or that there are other people in this world as fucked up as me that think the same way I do. It makes me feel normal, and laugh my ass off, not to mention have something to text my friends all day.

Then there are the things we don’t want to see, but we can’t look away from. The curiosity kills us and we cannot pass up this perfect opportunity for a topic of gossip or good laugh about someone’s lack of self awareness. Why are you wearing that and are you really talking shit about your ex like that for the whole world to see?!? We love those train-wrecks.

This need to see something we really don’t need to goes hand in hand with the usefulness of social media to find anything out about anyone when you need to. If you’re as good as my friends and I, it’s likely that you can find some bitch by just knowing her first name and that she wears t-shirts, has hair and eats food. For real. Social media has really given us FBI type investigative skills. But sometimes this backfires on us.

The ability to find out anything we want on social media can be a curse along with a blessing. I’ve definitely stumbled upon something I did NOT want to know or see and it spun me into orbit, like the invite you didn’t get to go out last night and then saw 749 pictures of. While something like this rarely bothers me, there is one instance that has, and that’s when I’m trying to cut ties with someone.

Initially our need to know everything someone is doing or who they are doing it with when  a relationship of any sort has ended,  helps to clarify things. But once the questions have been answered, it’s difficult to move on if you continue to have access to seeing or hearing things that will hurt you. This may be one of the only reasons I have ever deleted someone from my IG or FB. I just don’t want to know or see something that will bother or haunt me. This includes not being able to bare those posts that reveal someone new in their lives, but also just not wanting to see them at all- OR anything that will make me miss them. Out of site out of mind.

While I may not delete anyone spitefully or to be petty, some people do. Hell I’ve been deleted and blocked and have been pissed the fuck off about it because I just don’t see the need for someone to block me. I know I’m not the type that will contact someone or comment on anything negatively. Yes, I take it personally, it’s mean, especially when you are doing it to hide something from them. How many times have we heard about friendships being ruined, or families being torn apart over a meaningless post or unfriending or unfollowing someone? Come on, is it really that serious?

The answer for some is yes, because social media gives us some sense of validation. Whether this is how many likes we got, how many friends or followers we have or how much we can prove to be beautiful, successful, funny or loved in life. If you’re on social media at all, chances are, you care and I’m right there with you, guilty as charged. It’s only natural to want positive feedback from others, even if it is a random person from grammar school that you really don’t give a fuck about.

So, we can go on complaining about social media, yet continue being overinvolved in it, or, we can suck it up and use it only when we want or need to. But most importantly, we should all learn to not take it too seriously.

With that said, I will continue to post what I want even when I’m worried that I’m over-posting, because I love my son and think he is the cutest god damn kid in the world. I want to share that and that my hair looks good today and that my friends and I had the best time last night.

Everyone else says what they want to say and shows the pictures they want to show and I have to either enjoy or endure it, so I will do the same because that’s what I signed up for.

 

 

 

 

 

Tinder Expectations: From A Girl’s Perspective — March 28, 2017

Tinder Expectations: From A Girl’s Perspective

Originally edited and posted by Elite Daily at : http://elitedaily.com/dating/using-tinder-never-want-to-again/1817040/

Three years ago while I was at the bar with my best guy friend, I had my first encounter with Tinder. While I knew that he never had an absence of women to go home with, I didn’t know that his latest ploy was finding them on an app that selected and located them for him. I’d been out of the single game so long being married, that when I got divorced I  was amazed at how girls could just put themselves out there like that for any random stranger to gawk over. With their bathroom and car selfies, tits showing and duck face in full effect,  it was like an open invitation to either get screwed or screwed over.

Whatever they were looking for, even if it was just a hookup, I felt sorry for the girls he swiped because if they ended up falling for him they had no idea who he really was or how it would play out.  I love him dearly, but like most seasoned male Tinder predators, he’s had his heart broken from time to time causing him to fall into straight fuckboy mode- attractive and charming, but only looking to get one thing out of Tinder.

Some years later, I was in a place where I just needed to go on actual dates again- like a night out with a new man that included effort, not just showing up to my place at 10pm on a Thursday night. I was in fuckboy mode myself, needing a distraction from being hurt and spending all of 2016 as a semi- side chick who was being promised a change that would never materialize.

After my friends begged me to get over that shit and get back out there and back online, I decided that Tinder was the way to go since I wasn’t necessarily looking for a relationship, just something else, anything else.

I was reluctant to do it because I felt like I was contradicting myself. After everything I said and made fun of with my guy friends, there I was, bikini photo, car selfie pictured me. Of course I kept my class and remembered I’m a mommy and kept it real in what I wrote, which I believe said something like- “I’m not into games” and “looking for someone with good intentions”. Looking for someone with good intentions?? Really Marcey, on Tinder??

I may not have known what I was getting myself into, but I knew I would get something out of it, and I did. Here’s both what I got and the hard lesson I learned about what some guys expect from girls using Tinder:

1. Attention 

My Tinder blew up instantly and I got my temporary fix on how many Super Likes I got, even if I didn’t even know what the hell that meant. Almost every guy I swiped was an instant match and the ones who weren’t later became one. I even had guys reach out to mutual Facebook friends asking about me, or skipping that all together and private messaging me on messenger. Most messages I didn’t respond to even though I secretly loved the male attention and soaked up the compliments from complete strangers because it was what I needed at the time.

Seeing how many guys responded to my looks and not a damn thing I wrote was entertaining for about a week. Then it got annoying. No, I don’t want to meet up with you at 11pm, didn’t you read what I wrote? I was just about over it, when someone finally captured my interest.

2. Actual Dates I Was Looking For

Not long after,  I was singing Tinder’s praise and ready to write all about how not everything people say about Tinder is true and it’s not just a hook up site. I needed to tell single girls everywhere that you can definitely meet a guy who isn’t out to just fuck you and you can have several amazing dates, which I did, even though it was only with the one person I actually followed through with.

Was it really that easy that I got what I wanted from Tinder less than two weeks in, a few of the best dates I’ve ever had and an intense connection that I rarely find with any guy, much less on a dating app-And I’m beyond satisfied with my find??  It sure as hell seemed that way so I deleted Tinder even though I hadn’t even so much as glanced at it in weeks.

3. Sex, sex and more sex

Like my guy friend, the guys on the app went after girls they knew had no relationship potential and who were in it just for the sex. OR, they encountered the girls who were annoyingly looking for love and took them out for a spin anyway because they were hot. So if I was neither of those types, where did that leave me?
I wasn’t sure, but I knew the time felt right, so I let myself enjoy  what most people say is the biggest perk of Tinder, sex. I’ll just say this, it was well worth the few weeks I waited. My mind was completely blown. Thank you Tinder.

4. A  Hard Lesson Learned

When my “find” ended abruptly, I was pissed at myself and regretted ever getting a Tinder profile. And I was sad. It sucked no longer having the day to day nonsense texting with him, DMs of funny memes and sending Snapchat pics. When funny things, that I knew he would appreciate happened, I couldn’t text him, send a pic or take a screenshot anymore. I missed all that just as much as I just missed his face. I thought I was immune to all this bull shit and knew what I was signing up for.

Yes, I might have gotten a few of the things I came for, but I overlooked the fact that I might actually find something that was everything I wanted that just wouldn’t be accessible to me the way I wanted it to be. More importantly that if we met on Tinder, he probably thinks I knew and understood this from the very  beginning.

Even with my guard up, I ironically attracted someone who was another version of my best guy friend- in a different package. I ended up being one of those girls that I used to feel bad for that he preyed on. I had no one to blame but myself. I’m smart enough to know that if a guy has Tinder or any dating app at all, he has an easy opportunity to bail when he feels like it because it gives him too many other options. If he questions one thing about the potential you have for anything more, or if he needs an escape, it’s just too damn easy for him to login and attract something new and easier with a swift wipe of the finger.

Personally, I think if you keep your expectations low, if you’re OK with the fact that you might only get a good time out of it and if you don’t get too wrapped up in the whole thing, then get on Tinder, ladies. You won’t be disappointed.

My Original Draft of: “To Wait or Not to Wait: Confusing Stages Every Woman Experiences When Having Sex With A New Guy” — March 12, 2017

My Original Draft of: “To Wait or Not to Wait: Confusing Stages Every Woman Experiences When Having Sex With A New Guy”

Originally edited and posted by Elite Daily

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/confusing-stages-sex-new-guy/1815898/

 

Every time I’m into a new guy, which is basically like never,  one of  my best friends never hesitates to give me the lecture on the importance of enforcing the 90 day rule. This withhold of sex until you really know and trust him and his intentions, allegedly takes at the very least, three months. My sister is on the same page, warning me of the dangers that lie ahead if you give it up too soon. Sometimes between the two them, I feel like I’m in an after school special where someone says “If he really likes you he will like you for you and wait”. Really? Even at 35 I have to worry about this?

While I’ve always considered myself somewhat conservative in this department, and have always kept my “number” very low, I admit, I haven’t always agreed with them, arguing that when it feels like the right time, it’s just right. So the great dilemma single women will face forever continues, how soon is too soon to give it up?

I’ve heard arguments on both ends-there’s men who end up marrying the girl they slept with on the first night and others that disappear immediately after. Either way, it’s no secret that most guys exhibit two types of behavior when they’re dating a new girl. I like to refer to these as pre-sex ass kissing and post-sex wall building. You may not notice the jolt of their before and after sex behaviors right away, but it’s likely that if he’s that guy who underestimates or loses his interest after sex, you will gradually encounter differences in him throughout various stages.

The Chase

In the pre-sex ass kissing phase when you’re getting to know him a few weeks in, this guy is a dream come true. The reason- he’s in full on chase mode. He’s going to do anything and be anything to convince you he’s worthy of you giving it up. This includes his clearing his schedule to accommodate seeing you anytime or place,  driving whatever amount of distance to take you to a really nice dinner, or cooking you a really elaborate one at home. If he’s really good at his craft, he may even go as far as bringing you around his friends , (who all secretly know they are never going to see you again), because he is trying to paint the picture that he is going to keep you around regardless if you sleep with him or not.

Try to notice these things as well as little discrete things like he pulls out your chair or opens the car door for you wherever you go- because if he stops doing them after you’ve done the dead, you have your answer.

Setting Up Expectations

Also in the pre-sex phase, texting is a constant flow of compliments, endearments and interest in your life all day long, from morning to night. If you really like him you’re sitting there smiling down at your phone 24/7 and it’s not annoying the fuck out of you like it has with other guys.

He also likes everything you post, comments and makes your existence and his presence on social media known and felt. He calls you baby and sometimes even refers to you as “my girl”. Of course you’re going to get wrapped up and think this is what it will always be like as he is setting up the expectation that he’s so into you that he’s not going anywhere. It’s not hard to hope and believe that he’s going to be this and more once you let him in your bed.

Maybe he really does all this for you because he wants to. It very well could be, so try not to assume the worst. But remember that if that’s the case and he’s feeling you as much as he says and acts like he is, it’s as easy as this-he won’t want to end it so easily just because the chase is over.

Breaking Down Your Walls

In summary, during pre-sex ass kissing, he is gassing you up to take you for a ride, good or bad. You can’t help but to relish in it and hope for the best as you start to fall for him. Even the strongest of walls, such as my own, can crumble if he’s brought his “A” game, which he can and will if he wants it bad enough.  And, if he’s consistent and damn good at charming the fuck out of  you, chances are you are going to let that wall down sooner than you expected. This is the basis for the 90 day rule and waiting to have sex until you know him well enough that you can answer this one question, “Is he really this amazing or is this an act?”

Female Post Sex Anxiety

Ok, you had sex. Now some degree of anxiety kicks in for us ladies. Was it too soon or am I in the clear? He either becomes a complete asshole and ghosts you OR-he stays consistent and you ride off into the sunset.

In between these two extremes, there is a gray area -his wall building. In the wall building stage, guys are most likely trying to figure out if they want to continue with where things are going with you. He either wants it to or he doesn’t and I’m pretty sure he knows the answer once the chase is over. This is where we feel a shift in his actions towards us. The guy who truly likes you is going to up his ante and be everything he was before and more (you lucky bitch, you survived). But the wall builders are going to take a step back.

The Back Off

If he didn’t step back and knows you’re what he wants, his behavior is only changing for the better, proving that how long you waited didn’t really matter to begin with.  But if he decided to back off, he starts to question his feelings or whether he’s up for a relationship with you. He might then begin to seek out other options with other girls and get back on his dating apps. He stops texting or calling as much and seems so much busier and unavailable now. Soon the effort filled dates and willingness to accommodate his schedule to see you stops. It’s beyond confusing because he set a standard and now he’s lowering that and your expectations of him, probably so he can back out easily.

His actions have now caused you to be distant, or for some, a little neurotic, which is only natural as you have some degree of whiplash from his change in behavior towards you. Do you say something and look needy even though you aren’t, or flat out move the hell on?

The Real Him

The real person you are dating has likely surfaced by this point because sex can change things. He either holds up to all the expectations he set in the beginning or you’re left thinking that you just hallucinated the entire thing.

One thing that’s for sure – if you need to have the conversation, that you had to initiate, about what’s changed when you feel the shift, or he avoids it all together, he wasn’t ever that into you.

Let’s be honest, waiting 90 days to have sex with someone who you have a seriously electric spark with is like torture and just makes you want it more. This is especially true when everything they do and say gets you to let your guard down and trust them.

We may not have even known what we even wanted out of him to begin with, or where it was even going, but at the very least, we wanted him to be honest enough to stay true to who you thought he was or decent enough to admit it when he wasn’t.

Time will only tell who he is and if it ends up that you feel you made a mistake in having sex with him too soon or at all, just remember this one thing, you did it because you wanted him for everything you thought he was. Not every girl will be able to say that about him, so consider yourself rare and honest, even if you feel like a fool.

You will get over it, maybe not as easily as he did, but you will. As for the next guy who is lucky enough to date you, hold out a little longer and you will probably find that he was worth the wait.

 

 

 

 

The 7 Guys You Have To Date Before You Find The Right One — February 27, 2017

The 7 Guys You Have To Date Before You Find The Right One

Originally posted by Elite Daily at: http://elitedaily.com/dating/dating-wrong-guys-before-right-guy/1774912/ | Elite Daily on Facebook

At a certain age, the single life stops being fun for some, and it seems more like a chore. It can feel like holding up a mental score card after each dating experience. Maybe. Yes. No. Next. Hell No. But there’s a bright side to all this: In finding what we don’t want, it’s much easier to spot what we do want. Feeling like the modern-day Goldie Locks in search of something that’s just right, I’ve encountered a few types of men and situations that were so wrong, but still so beneficial to me.

The Total Mismatch

The mismatch guy is someone who is the polar opposite of you. He could be a totally harmless nice guy. But when you can’t tolerate another hike in your high heels, don’t care about dogs or nature and can’t listen to Fleetwood Mac for another split second because you’re more of a Nicki Minaj than a Stevie Nicks, it’s time to call it quits. You know it. He knows it. Stop being lazy in the dating game, and find someone who it just makes sense to be with.

The Narcissistic Womanizer

This guy blows hot right out the gate. Texting, calling, planning elaborate dates, swooning over you and flashing a nice house, car or a boat, he’s very intense, so it’s easy to get sucked in. He keeps around a ton of girls — who he most likely met online — and you’re the latest victim. You feed their ego for a short time, and then, they’re onto the next and back to you again once they get bored. Even though he sucks at life, dating him can be very valuable. He’s the one who will teach you how to spot the guy who’s only after one thing. Do not give it to him.

The Lit Frat Boy

He’s good-looking, definitely likes you and has good intentions. Actually, he likes you a little too much, which you notice by the second date when he brings you an enormous bouquet of three dozen roses. You also notice he drinks a little too much. Take this guy for a test drive, particularly on a night out with your friends, to see if he can hang. I knew my totally lit guy was history when he charged $300 at the bar with my friends, asked to be in their wedding, attempted to get on stage and sing a song to me with the band and ended the night by getting escorted off my property at 3 am by my friends, while screaming my name outside my window. Basically, don’t date a guy who can’t handle his liquor.

The Dork and The Horny 33-Year-Old Teenager

You know by the first date you’re not into these two. But you’re polite, so you suffer through the date with the dork, pretending to give a shit about atmospheric pressure and what kind of cheese is on the charcuterie board. Tell him straight out you’re not feeling it — it’s only fair. The horny teenager, on the other hand, is the guy who tries to go to second base with you out of nowhere, clearly missing the signs that you’re not into him and that you also haven’t liked anyone going up your shirt since eighth grade in your friend’s basement. Ghost him, please.

The Old Flame Who Continues To Burn You

We all have one. He’s the “what if” guy you always felt could be the one, but you blame timing (over a span of, like, 100 years), which, quite honestly, is some serious denial. If you can handle the pain, go for it. However, there are only three things that’ll happen. One, you will have comfortable, familiar and hot sex — lots of it. Two, after multiple failed attempts at something real and after being hurt by him for the final time, you will have had enough and finally realize he is not the one for you. This will give you a very clear picture of exactly how you do NOT want to be treated. And three, once you are done with him, you will never wonder, “What if?”again. He will be out of your system, thus opening you up for something real.

The Guy With A Double Life

This man has all the qualities you want. He’s attractive, relatable, lives close by, grounded, smart, stable, works hard and there’s a spark. You click. There’s a pretty good chance that there’s some serious potential here, but there’s just a few problems. He is always at work, like, at 2 am, 7 am, 3 pm and, damn, even on Sundays and on the 33rd of every month. Does he even sleep? Could he be a vampire? He has no idea when your next date is going to be until one hour before it’s supposed to happen. He calls and texts you all morning, but he disappears after 5 pm. Something is up. You may never know what it is, but use this experience to know that flaking out on dates and disappearing is not acceptable, no matter how much potential a guy has.

Hopefully, there won’t be many other duds you have to encounter on your quest for the one who fits. But don’t give up.  All the dating wrongs can open up your eyes to what is right for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You will learn what you are looking for, what you will or will not tolerate and, most of all, what you want and need. Sooner or later, there’s going to be a guy who shows up unexpectedly and is someone who has everything you’re looking for. Being with him will feel effortless, and if you’re lucky, he will also be hot AF and never hesitate to take you anywhere  and show you off. And most importantly, he will tell you constantly how beautiful and amazing you are. Hang in there, girls!

Divorced Woman Reveals The 5 Things That Will Make Your Husband Want To Leave —

Divorced Woman Reveals The 5 Things That Will Make Your Husband Want To Leave

Originally posted by Elite Daily at: http://elitedaily.com/dating/divorced-woman-reveals-the-5-things-that-will-make-your-husband-want-to-leave/1797025/ | Elite Daily on Facebook

I bet most of us women can relate to the movie “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” The 21-year-old me in 2003 couldn’t help but shudder a little when Andie showed up to guys’ poker night and cried about the love fern that Ben let die.

Yes, Andie was a bit much and slightly crazy, but there definitely were some underlying truths in her actions. While trying to push Ben over the edge, she executed exaggerated versions of all the things women often think, and in extreme cases do wrong, in relationships.

Having been there in a failed marriage, I’ve learned some valuable lessons in making relationships work and some things women do that contribute to destroying them.

1. Trying to change your man. This is perhaps the most common fatal mistake we can’t help to make as women, but do anyway because it’s in our nature. Don’t do it. No, no, no, no, no. For whatever reason, you love and chose this man to be your partner. Yes, this may have been when you were in the euphoric stage of a new relationship, however, when you decided to enter into a relationship with him, you signed up for accepting him as he is. He may not need changing, and if you think he does, and that he should and will for you, you are sadly mistaken. While there are things that can and need to be worked on in relationships as they grow and change over time, it’s important to remember this is a two-way street and takes work on both parts. Do not tell him he watches SportsCenter too much, drinks too much beer, needs to lose weight or that he should not wear that ratty, 15-year-old T-shirt he loves. Because before he became your man, chances are, you knew all these things and probably even thought they were cute. Don’t assume now that you have him, you can mold him into a slightly improved version of himself. If he is genuinely good to you, compliment him. Make him feel good about himself by pointing out more of what you love about him, not what he can do better.

2. Trying to control your man. “Well we wouldn’t fight if you just did more of what I ask you to do.” Yes, I’ve said it, we’ve all said it — guilty as charged. This is a great way to not only make your man resent you, but also to get him to do a little more of what you don’t want him to do just because he’s “not allowed to do it.” Controlling a guy is a great way to encourage him go behind your back to do something he just feels like doing, even if it’s something completely innocent. When you don’t trust him enough to hang out with his friends or do anything without you or your approval, there’s something seriously wrong there. You aren’t his mother or keeper, you are his partner. We also aren’t 18 anymore and worried about our man going to the club and blacking out and bringing home a girl in a crop top. And if you are, you should probably re-evaluate why you would even worry he would do this to begin with. Being secure in your relationship means you don’t need to control his every move. If you’re controlling him, you are insecure, and that’s really not an attractive quality.

3. Not giving him enough sex. Let’s face it: Guys want it all the time. Unlike most women, they typically don’t need to emotionally attach or invest to get off. As women, though, it’s much easier for us to withhold sex. One of the biggest reasons we do is when we are not feeling fulfilled emotionally, or are simply pissed off at him, so the last thing we want to do is put out. But there’s another angle to consider here. You can probably get more attention and more emotionally fulfilled from him if you give him what he wants in the bedroom, and more often. I am not talking about rolling over on your side in the morning and letting him do what he wants to you. That lack of effort is pretty obvious and easily forgettable by him once he’s done. And I’m not referring to the half-ass oral performance you gave because he did the laundry. I’m talking about giving him something to think about all day when he’s at work. This does not include the type of sex (of any kind) that just gets the job done. I’m talking about the kind that blows his mind. Girls, you probably have some serious skills tucked away and my advice is to use them. Watch how quickly things change and sit back and enjoy the ride, literally.

4. Letting yourself go. As wives and mothers, the day to day hustle and bustle is no joke, and most of the time we put ourselves last. With that, it’s very easy to let yourself go. I’ve been there. When you’re tired and too busy to even pee, the last thing you want to do is coordinate outfits, blow out your own hair or fit in an hour at the gym. However, making the time and extra effort to look good is really not just for him, it’s for yourself. When you’re confident about how you look, and get praise for it, your mood can very easily improve, no matter how miserable your day was. Ever walk into work feeling defeated, but someone asks you if you lost weight or says they want your hair? If so, think about how you felt in that moment. The answer is probably damn good. If you look and feel damn good, he’s going to like that and want more of it and you’re going to want to give it and get more of it, which will drive you even more to keep up with it. So, make a daily visit to Pinterest — yes, it’s that easy. Find the latest hair and fashion trends and just work with what you already have. You’ll both benefit; it’s a win-win situation.

5. Coming between him and his family. Repeat after me, “I will not tell him his family sucks.” Don’t do it. They were there before you and are genetically bonded to him for life. Yes, there are situations where your man’s family might be terrible, but he doesn’t need you to point that out because if they are that bad, he most likely knows already. If there’s a conflict there, and it involves you, it’s best to let him settle it. If you go up against his family, you become public enemy number one and tables can turn on you very quickly. Take the high road because you love and respect him. Keep it classy. Don’t fuel the fire and let him put it out, or don’t even start it to begin with.

Sometimes I look back at some of my behavior in past relationships and think, if I only knew then what I know now. It’s very easy to focus on all the things he’s doing wrong, which don’t get me wrong, he probably is really doing. However, as a therapist, I can tell you that one of our biggest golden rules is to focus only on what we are doing and thinking, not on someone else’s actions. If you change how you feel and your reactions to others’ behaviors, it’s much easier to change the situation. But most importantly, try to remember and feel thankful you have a man who loves you. Do your part to keep that. Plus if you do, you can never say you didn’t try, and then you can blame his ass when it doesn’t work out.