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Stop the Guessing Game: It’s Not You. It’s Him. — June 11, 2017

Stop the Guessing Game: It’s Not You. It’s Him.

A reader asked me a few weeks ago for advice on her almost relationship. That’s when I decided that women everywhere really need to take the guesswork out of dating. Between ghosting, breadcrumbing, benching and whatever the hell else, it feels like all dating has become is a guessing game with drinks, dinner (if you’re lucky), and sex.

Natasha this one is for you…..

Also check it out here, originally posted on Thought Catalog at: http://thoughtcatalog.com/marcey-rizzetta/2017/06/5-reasons-why-he-cant-seem-to-decide-how-he-feels-about-you/

The first time I cried over a boy was in the 3rd grade. My mom consoled me by telling me that I was beautiful and that if a boy was treating me exceptionally mean, he was hiding that he liked me. I felt much better believing what little girls everywhere are taught at a young age-that when boys chased us around the playground, pulled our hair and called us gross, it was really because they liked us.

That dysfunctional seed gets planted early on. With that, sadly, most of us learned to believe that in order for someone to deal with their feelings of desiring another they have to either play the opposite game or run away.

This need to cover up a positive healthy emotion of caring deeply about another person in a special, more than friends way never made sense to me. And more, if you felt something so great, why wasn’t it acceptable to just say it and show it without all the bull shit? Isn’t that the easiest way to get what you want?

Being an upfront person, I always wanted to say how I felt when I was crazy about someone. But throughout the years, I noticed that whenever I did, no matter how confident I was or how into me I thought someone was, 9 times out of 10 he was a goner. So I often played the game back because I had no other choice aside from moving the hell on to the next guy. But I was young and stupid AF.

What I didn’t realize was that this game was not my issue, it was the guys’ I was choosing. And unfortunately, even though we aren’t in 3rd grade anymore, for some it still is. And in most situations, the issue is usually along these lines:

Insecurity

A guy who feels the need to bait and switch you is insecure. This guy will do everything to show interest and when it’s reciprocated, their initial effort and interest dissipates because insecure guys like and need to feel the upper hand. He likely has an ego he portrays to be very large but ironically he’s like a sad little child being told he isn’t good enough. He can only confirm how great he is when a girl is chasing him and throwing herself at him, which is what he needs for that confirmation.

What he doesn’t realize is that most of these girls only chase him, not because he’s the man, but because she can’t tie him down. What he really needs is a reality check, being a douchebag should not boost your ego, landing a girl who you are worthy of should.

Fear

I’m not a fan of using fear as an excuse, because when you want something bad enough, fear shouldn’t stop you. But for some this isn’t always the case. Giving into his emotions of really liking you and wanting to be with you makes a fearful guy vulnerable. When he’s vulnerable he’s risking giving up his freedom to do what or whoever the hell he wants. Weak men don’t want to feel weaker by giving up their power to any woman.

Strong men, however, will never react to fear and stay who they are regardless of their feelings for a woman. They also see committing to someone else as an opportunity to become a greater man, not a scared pussy.

Immaturity

When a guy doesn’t have his shit together, he is usually aware and self-conscious of it no matter how hard he tries to hide it. This guy does not need a reminder of his lack of progression from anyone. So when a girl comes along that wants more of him, even if she doesn’t care about his current status in life, the only way for him to bury that is to run before she gets too close. This run is usually to another girl who doesn’t have her shit together either so he doesn’t feel as bad about himself, or to several different girls who never get the chance to get close enough to see the real him or notice that he’s accomplished very little in life.

What he fails to recognize is that by ruining things with someone who wants him regardless of his lifestyle, he stays stuck in that pattern that keeps him from moving forward in his life.

Emotional Unavailability

The emotionally unavailable guy has underlying issues that he refuses to deal with. This is usually a combination of all of the above, but what makes him even more unavailable is the distinct fact that he is stuck on something that happened to him that he can’t come to terms with. Whether this is something that happened in his childhood or in his last breakup, this guy fucks up every potential relationship he has because he’s learned unhelpful relationship patterns at some point in his life and won’t work through them.

Emotionally unavailable guys sabotage even the best situations because it’s easier to hurt someone else before they get hurt like they have in the past. What’s really sad here is not only that their past has nothing to do with someone new, but that they are closing themselves off to happier and more positive experiences in their future that can help them move forward. However, their pride won’t let them admit there’s a problem there.

Control

Guys who need to control every aspect of their lives have trouble relinquishing any part of themselves to anyone that can possibly change who they are or what plans they have set in their mind for themselves. Possibilities are not endless with him because it’s only about what they want or see happening to them. Encountering anyone that might challenge their status quo will probably result in them ghosting to avoid losing control.

It’s not just control over their plans in life, but there’s also a need to control what happens to them. This is why they often end something before it even starts, because they chose it- not someone else.

If you’ve ever wondered how a fuckboy was bred, chances are, it was out of one or all of the above scenarios. Obviously if a guy is playing all sorts of games and won’t verbalize how he feels, let’s not underestimate the very plain and simple explanation that he may just be an asshole or just isn’t that into you. Smart girls should be able to tell the difference.

However, if you find yourself navigating a situation with someone that blows hot and cold, it’s hard to not blame yourself and ask what the hell is wrong with you, especially when your gut is telling you that there is something special between you two. But- if you’re afraid of pushing him away by saying how either one of you feels even when it’s obvious, it’s likely that you’ve encountered someone else’s issue that has nothing to do with you- no matter how much they try to make you feel like it does. Unfortunately, you can’t fix someone else’s issues or save them.

Guys who can’t look at themselves deep enough to realize why they act this way when faced with their feelings for another usually ruin the best things that come their way. And they will continue to do it if they can’t be upfront because they take unresolved parts of themselves wherever they go.

Breaking patterns and confronting issues is never easy for anyone, especially men. But that first step in admitting feelings before it’s too late is much easier than regret. Afterall, you can’t just jump in your DeLorean and go back in time. It’s not 1985, and it’s not Opposite Day, so if someone can’t show what’s in their heart, head to a future where words, actions and feelings all align.

 

 

The Hate You/Miss You Cycle. — May 10, 2017

The Hate You/Miss You Cycle.

Contrary to what most people would say, sometimes when someone hurts us we need to hold onto the pain and anger we feel, at least for a certain period of time. Yea, it sounds insane and un-therapeutic, especially coming from a therapist, but when the anger subsides, especially without healing, what’s left is usually that layer of intense feeling of missing someone-or something that we should not be missing. What comes next is an ongoing oscillation of hating someone combined with missing the fuck out of them, depending on the day.

You would never consider letting someone who hurt you back in your life. And hell if you did, your friends and family would probably have you committed. On a rational day of thinking you would commit yourself. But we all have irrational and emotional days. And on those days, we think that those same people we ran and cried to should shut the hell up because they aren’t you. They weren’t there during your most private moments with this person, felt what you felt, heard your conversations or saw the way they looked at you. So you justify in your head, that for the moment, you are allowed to miss them and fantasize that they are back in your life. And if they were, they would all just accept it because all the wrongs were made right.

You know it’s terrible for you to be feeling, let alone thinking this, but some days you just wake up with it. You had a dream about them. It felt real. You heard a song that instantly transported you to a time that you spent together before they hurt you. You once looked back at this time and felt sick, but today you would give anything to go back. You smell something as simple as really humid air, and it feels like a season in your life with them that made you feel more alive than you ever were. On these days, it’s easy to forget all the bad and let it all go-if you could just see them and feel them one more time. Maybe it would be like none of it ever happened.

But it did and they aren’t doing anything to make it different.

Once we get past these days, where we almost caved and sent that text, we are back to our rational selves. Sometimes not only are we rational, we are even more mad, not only at ourselves for even conceiving of the fact that things could be different, but are again angry at them. When thinking about the good times and what could have been, it’s very easy to feel the initial hurt all over again because it feels like going back to the scene of the crime. If it once felt so good, how and why did they have to make it end feeling so bad?

Even if you’ve technically gotten over it and moved on, it’s hard to make peace with the fact that someone made you feel as bad as they did, and more importantly that even though we know this, a part of us still wants to reach out and undo what’s already been done.

Wrestling with that burning desire for answers or to see them, even though you feel like you hate them starts to take over once we give in to the feeling of what feels like missing them. That in return can lead to the mental back and forth of wondering if you should reach out with then how you could even consider this after everything that’s happened. Are you out of your mind?

The answer, no. If you actually do it, yes. It’s okay to want to do it but then re-examine what the hell purpose this could possibly serve you. We’ve all been there. When someone is a part of our lives one way or another, getting used to the fact that they aren’t anymore, and that you most likely didn’t chose this, they did, is not easy. A part of us always wants to know if they miss us like we miss them, if they remember and think about those ridiculously hot nights despite what’s happened, and mostly, if they regret their decision. But the truth is, even if they do, the past can’t be changed, especially when they aren’t re-appearing in the present or attempting to create a different future with you.

Accepting that good times were really fucking good and allowing ourselves to leave them behind as memories that we grab onto when something reminds us, is okay. Even if it hurts to know that we can never feel that again, those memories are still ours. And more importantly, even though they aren’t here anymore, they’re still theirs too, whether they want them to be or not. Even if you never see them again, no one can change that it all happened. It’s whether you chose to remember the good or bad times that will define how you cope with what’s happened and how you go forward.

If you chose to hold onto the bad, that’s okay. Sometimes it’s better to be bitter than sad. Being angry will ensure that you will never cave on your vulnerable days. That’s not to say that vulnerable days won’t happen, but you will never be tortured about missing them bad enough to give into what you’re feeling. Truthfully, when someone can catch you on your vulnerable days, if you haven’t healed, you open yourself up to the risk that they will hurt you all over again. This is why we shouldn’t stay in the place where we forget the pain.

Unless they find you, (which they know where and how to), and want to make it right,  it’s better to remember that what you are likely missing is not an actual person, it’s a feeling. Missing how someone made you feel, especially when it’s a hot passionate mess, is not the same as missing an actual person and everything they are. And more importantly, even though no one seems to be “them” to you, there will always be people that can and will make you feel the way they did-good. But without the bad.

Why Stereotyping Single People Is Making Us All Jaded And Undatable — April 16, 2017

Why Stereotyping Single People Is Making Us All Jaded And Undatable

Charlotte York once said “I’ve been dating since I was 15, I’m exhausted where is he?” . Despite the fact the Sex and the City has been my Bible since 1998, it drove me nuts how marriage obsessed she was. In most episodes, especially that particular one, she was on a mission to find the white knight to save her from dating hell. While they all had their own personalities and desires when it came to men, something about Charlotte’s desperation represented one of the major misconceptions about single quarter life women everywhere.

It’s sad to say, but to most men, there’s something about an unmarried woman in her late 20’s through her 30’s that just screams desperation and clinginess. It’s such an unfair assumption, especially when not all of us are this girl.  And, as a divorced, single 35 year old woman who’s been there and done that in the happily ever after game,  I find it hard to portray what I want from a man because of this.  When did it become okay to put all single girls 25 and over in the “dying to get married” box?

Just because I don’t want to get screwed over and I expect consistency and demand respect from any man, that does mean that I fit in that category, yet I always have to seem to try and prove this to every guy that I end up in being interested in.

A guy once told me not to be “that girl” just because I expected a response to a message. Knowing I am definitely not, I responded by telling him not to be “that guy” then. What we were really referring to in code language that all single people everywhere know, is the girl who becomes too invested and needy and the guy that gets what he wants and doesn’t want much more- aka-the single male and female archetypes.

I know I sure as hell am not needy, so it pisses me off that I constantly have to prove that I’m not. Yes, I’ve really wanted something with someone so bad that I fought for it until I just couldn’t fight anymore- And I’ve also really liked someone early on and not been afraid to show it. But if I do certain, very common things, I have to worry that I’m going to scare a man off, even if I’m sure he likes me. Its fucking childish and stupid, but it’s unfortunately where we women are at in the dating game.

Whether a woman is simply making time for a man she likes, letting him hit it whenever he wants, talks about him to her friends or introduces him to them or her family members if they randomly run into them somewhere,  that does not mean she’s dying to lock him down so she can marry him.  Yet, often when these things happen, he’s planning his escape.

When did it become such a problem for a girl to make an effort when she actually likes a guy and wants to date, hang out and hook up? It’s ridiculous that woman have to be so conscious of their behavior when men can do and say whatever the fuck they want and not think twice about it.

While it’s obvious that for some, the issue really lies within the man who can’t and doesn’t want to commit, the issue is also with the women who chose these men and let themselves get caught up in trying too hard to win him over.  In trying to get him to want her and only her, she digs her own grave by going to extremes which actually push him away. And honestly, how can anyone blame the guys that run for the hills when she starts laying it on too heavy.

Any smart, self aware, single girl knows that if he isn’t reciprocating in actions or feelings, he’s just not that into you. So she really should stop texting, calling, driving by, and showing up, not only for her own dignity, but also for the ladies out there that she’s giving a bad rep to.

Not every woman is driven by a desire for a future or a serious relationship with every man they meet, and that’s the thing some guys just don’t get. More importantly, if he’s into her, why does that even matter?

The answer is very simple, because most guys have encountered this stereotypical woman several times over and it’s unpleasant for them. So much so that when they get one that is NOT like her, they are too weary and paranoid to even realize it. It’s a prime reason why there are so many missed opportunities with a person that may actually fit perfectly.

If men could just realize that single women don’t have to fall into one of the two categories of either dying to get married or girl who just wants to fuck, they might actually find a perfect balance within the girl who is somewhere in between. That is, if they can relax a little and just let it go where it goes and not bail before she expects too much from him.

At the same time, she needs to be aware of how she presents herself and her level of interest. He doesn’t want a hoe, yet doesn’t want a stage 5 clinger either so he is cautious of every woman that comes his way. While she doesn’t want a fuckboy or serial killer,  she has to pretend she’s cautious too until he has proven otherwise.

There’s no doubt that these misconceptions on both ends can fuck up everyone in the dating pool at a certain age. So we’re all just really sabotaging it for ourselves. If everyone can just view that new person they meet as a blank slate, until proven fucking crazy otherwise, I bet single people everywhere would stop complaining about dating hell and start to enjoy their single life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Social Media or Social Suicide? — March 30, 2017

Social Media or Social Suicide?

Of all the things that push us over the edge in life, it’s hard to believe that one of the biggest culprits for most of us, willing to admit it or not, is social media.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked my girlfriends how crazy would we have been if there were such things as Instagram and Facebook in high school. Now we can also add Snapchat to that list- if some of our OG asses could actually figure out how the fuck to use it. Thankfully I figured that out, even though it took me like 9 months to find where the hell my story was.

I think about all the things social media has driven me to do, discover or go bat shit crazy about since 2008 and I’m amazed at how it’s given me the ability to go from 0 to 100 real quick. The worst part, this was at age 29 and throughout my 30s. I seriously shudder to think what the 18-year- old me in 1999 would have done if my ex-boyfriend liked some thot’s selfie or got tagged at a field party in the woods while drinking Natty Ice without me.

Obviously I see and hear about the effects social media has on teenagers every day, not only with my career, but on the news or in day to day conversations with just about anyone. About 80% of the time the social media banter is not positive. Despite all this, we just can’t seem to pull ourselves away from the urge to know what other people are doing in their day to day lives which usually serves us no purpose.

That urge to refresh and check at a stoplight has only proven one real benefit in my life and that’s changing any stoplight from red to green instantly the minute I pick up my phone-it gets me every time.

While Facebook may have been the biggest trigger of drama and rants for us 4 years ago, it seems as if that has shifted to be our parents’ problem now. While they might be a step behind and are just now stalking their classmates from the class of 72, they seem to now be the ones complaining about what Delores posted or why we blocked them or won’t accept their friend request. I’ll tell you why, because I don’t need your comment on every single picture and status I post and your nonstop questions of what I meant by that or who is with me in that picture. Seriously, I am not 15 anymore. Thanks for ruining Facebook for me. Please don’t ruin IG and Snap for me too. But it’s only a matter of time.

This is the least of the nuisances about the social media world. Between the ambiguous cryptic pity posts, hearing about everyone that is #blessed and the inspirational memes and quotes that we know you are posting for someone who doesn’t actually give a shit to see, it’s seriously annoying. That doesn’t stop us from excitedly opening up our aps as soon as we see the little red “1” though, only to find a fucking Candy Crush invitation. I seriously want to crush you and myself for even staying on here. So why do I?

For one, there are people that I do find funny and interesting and actually care about online. I like to see their posts and pictures and I like sharing mine with them instead of emailing a Kodak Gallery album to 100 people. It’s not 2005 anymore. Technology has really progressed and we want to keep up with the times.

The meme movement is also everything at the moment. How else can I feel like a stranger literally just picked my brain and said something that I thought no one else thought but me? Or that there are other people in this world as fucked up as me that think the same way I do. It makes me feel normal, and laugh my ass off, not to mention have something to text my friends all day.

Then there are the things we don’t want to see, but we can’t look away from. The curiosity kills us and we cannot pass up this perfect opportunity for a topic of gossip or good laugh about someone’s lack of self awareness. Why are you wearing that and are you really talking shit about your ex like that for the whole world to see?!? We love those train-wrecks.

This need to see something we really don’t need to goes hand in hand with the usefulness of social media to find anything out about anyone when you need to. If you’re as good as my friends and I, it’s likely that you can find some bitch by just knowing her first name and that she wears t-shirts, has hair and eats food. For real. Social media has really given us FBI type investigative skills. But sometimes this backfires on us.

The ability to find out anything we want on social media can be a curse along with a blessing. I’ve definitely stumbled upon something I did NOT want to know or see and it spun me into orbit, like the invite you didn’t get to go out last night and then saw 749 pictures of. While something like this rarely bothers me, there is one instance that has, and that’s when I’m trying to cut ties with someone.

Initially our need to know everything someone is doing or who they are doing it with when  a relationship of any sort has ended,  helps to clarify things. But once the questions have been answered, it’s difficult to move on if you continue to have access to seeing or hearing things that will hurt you. This may be one of the only reasons I have ever deleted someone from my IG or FB. I just don’t want to know or see something that will bother or haunt me. This includes not being able to bare those posts that reveal someone new in their lives, but also just not wanting to see them at all- OR anything that will make me miss them. Out of site out of mind.

While I may not delete anyone spitefully or to be petty, some people do. Hell I’ve been deleted and blocked and have been pissed the fuck off about it because I just don’t see the need for someone to block me. I know I’m not the type that will contact someone or comment on anything negatively. Yes, I take it personally, it’s mean, especially when you are doing it to hide something from them. How many times have we heard about friendships being ruined, or families being torn apart over a meaningless post or unfriending or unfollowing someone? Come on, is it really that serious?

The answer for some is yes, because social media gives us some sense of validation. Whether this is how many likes we got, how many friends or followers we have or how much we can prove to be beautiful, successful, funny or loved in life. If you’re on social media at all, chances are, you care and I’m right there with you, guilty as charged. It’s only natural to want positive feedback from others, even if it is a random person from grammar school that you really don’t give a fuck about.

So, we can go on complaining about social media, yet continue being overinvolved in it, or, we can suck it up and use it only when we want or need to. But most importantly, we should all learn to not take it too seriously.

With that said, I will continue to post what I want even when I’m worried that I’m over-posting, because I love my son and think he is the cutest god damn kid in the world. I want to share that and that my hair looks good today and that my friends and I had the best time last night.

Everyone else says what they want to say and shows the pictures they want to show and I have to either enjoy or endure it, so I will do the same because that’s what I signed up for.

 

 

 

 

 

Tinder Expectations: From A Girl’s Perspective — March 28, 2017

Tinder Expectations: From A Girl’s Perspective

Originally edited and posted by Elite Daily at : http://elitedaily.com/dating/using-tinder-never-want-to-again/1817040/

Three years ago while I was at the bar with my best guy friend, I had my first encounter with Tinder. While I knew that he never had an absence of women to go home with, I didn’t know that his latest ploy was finding them on an app that selected and located them for him. I’d been out of the single game so long being married, that when I got divorced I  was amazed at how girls could just put themselves out there like that for any random stranger to gawk over. With their bathroom and car selfies, tits showing and duck face in full effect,  it was like an open invitation to either get screwed or screwed over.

Whatever they were looking for, even if it was just a hookup, I felt sorry for the girls he swiped because if they ended up falling for him they had no idea who he really was or how it would play out.  I love him dearly, but like most seasoned male Tinder predators, he’s had his heart broken from time to time causing him to fall into straight fuckboy mode- attractive and charming, but only looking to get one thing out of Tinder.

Some years later, I was in a place where I just needed to go on actual dates again- like a night out with a new man that included effort, not just showing up to my place at 10pm on a Thursday night. I was in fuckboy mode myself, needing a distraction from being hurt and spending all of 2016 as a semi- side chick who was being promised a change that would never materialize.

After my friends begged me to get over that shit and get back out there and back online, I decided that Tinder was the way to go since I wasn’t necessarily looking for a relationship, just something else, anything else.

I was reluctant to do it because I felt like I was contradicting myself. After everything I said and made fun of with my guy friends, there I was, bikini photo, car selfie pictured me. Of course I kept my class and remembered I’m a mommy and kept it real in what I wrote, which I believe said something like- “I’m not into games” and “looking for someone with good intentions”. Looking for someone with good intentions?? Really Marcey, on Tinder??

I may not have known what I was getting myself into, but I knew I would get something out of it, and I did. Here’s both what I got and the hard lesson I learned about what some guys expect from girls using Tinder:

1. Attention 

My Tinder blew up instantly and I got my temporary fix on how many Super Likes I got, even if I didn’t even know what the hell that meant. Almost every guy I swiped was an instant match and the ones who weren’t later became one. I even had guys reach out to mutual Facebook friends asking about me, or skipping that all together and private messaging me on messenger. Most messages I didn’t respond to even though I secretly loved the male attention and soaked up the compliments from complete strangers because it was what I needed at the time.

Seeing how many guys responded to my looks and not a damn thing I wrote was entertaining for about a week. Then it got annoying. No, I don’t want to meet up with you at 11pm, didn’t you read what I wrote? I was just about over it, when someone finally captured my interest.

2. Actual Dates I Was Looking For

Not long after,  I was singing Tinder’s praise and ready to write all about how not everything people say about Tinder is true and it’s not just a hook up site. I needed to tell single girls everywhere that you can definitely meet a guy who isn’t out to just fuck you and you can have several amazing dates, which I did, even though it was only with the one person I actually followed through with.

Was it really that easy that I got what I wanted from Tinder less than two weeks in, a few of the best dates I’ve ever had and an intense connection that I rarely find with any guy, much less on a dating app-And I’m beyond satisfied with my find??  It sure as hell seemed that way so I deleted Tinder even though I hadn’t even so much as glanced at it in weeks.

3. Sex, sex and more sex

Like my guy friend, the guys on the app went after girls they knew had no relationship potential and who were in it just for the sex. OR, they encountered the girls who were annoyingly looking for love and took them out for a spin anyway because they were hot. So if I was neither of those types, where did that leave me?
I wasn’t sure, but I knew the time felt right, so I let myself enjoy  what most people say is the biggest perk of Tinder, sex. I’ll just say this, it was well worth the few weeks I waited. My mind was completely blown. Thank you Tinder.

4. A  Hard Lesson Learned

When my “find” ended abruptly, I was pissed at myself and regretted ever getting a Tinder profile. And I was sad. It sucked no longer having the day to day nonsense texting with him, DMs of funny memes and sending Snapchat pics. When funny things, that I knew he would appreciate happened, I couldn’t text him, send a pic or take a screenshot anymore. I missed all that just as much as I just missed his face. I thought I was immune to all this bull shit and knew what I was signing up for.

Yes, I might have gotten a few of the things I came for, but I overlooked the fact that I might actually find something that was everything I wanted that just wouldn’t be accessible to me the way I wanted it to be. More importantly that if we met on Tinder, he probably thinks I knew and understood this from the very  beginning.

Even with my guard up, I ironically attracted someone who was another version of my best guy friend- in a different package. I ended up being one of those girls that I used to feel bad for that he preyed on. I had no one to blame but myself. I’m smart enough to know that if a guy has Tinder or any dating app at all, he has an easy opportunity to bail when he feels like it because it gives him too many other options. If he questions one thing about the potential you have for anything more, or if he needs an escape, it’s just too damn easy for him to login and attract something new and easier with a swift wipe of the finger.

Personally, I think if you keep your expectations low, if you’re OK with the fact that you might only get a good time out of it and if you don’t get too wrapped up in the whole thing, then get on Tinder, ladies. You won’t be disappointed.

My Original Draft of: “To Wait or Not to Wait: Confusing Stages Every Woman Experiences When Having Sex With A New Guy” — March 12, 2017

My Original Draft of: “To Wait or Not to Wait: Confusing Stages Every Woman Experiences When Having Sex With A New Guy”

Originally edited and posted by Elite Daily

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/confusing-stages-sex-new-guy/1815898/

 

Every time I’m into a new guy, which is basically like never,  one of  my best friends never hesitates to give me the lecture on the importance of enforcing the 90 day rule. This withhold of sex until you really know and trust him and his intentions, allegedly takes at the very least, three months. My sister is on the same page, warning me of the dangers that lie ahead if you give it up too soon. Sometimes between the two them, I feel like I’m in an after school special where someone says “If he really likes you he will like you for you and wait”. Really? Even at 35 I have to worry about this?

While I’ve always considered myself somewhat conservative in this department, and have always kept my “number” very low, I admit, I haven’t always agreed with them, arguing that when it feels like the right time, it’s just right. So the great dilemma single women will face forever continues, how soon is too soon to give it up?

I’ve heard arguments on both ends-there’s men who end up marrying the girl they slept with on the first night and others that disappear immediately after. Either way, it’s no secret that most guys exhibit two types of behavior when they’re dating a new girl. I like to refer to these as pre-sex ass kissing and post-sex wall building. You may not notice the jolt of their before and after sex behaviors right away, but it’s likely that if he’s that guy who underestimates or loses his interest after sex, you will gradually encounter differences in him throughout various stages.

The Chase

In the pre-sex ass kissing phase when you’re getting to know him a few weeks in, this guy is a dream come true. The reason- he’s in full on chase mode. He’s going to do anything and be anything to convince you he’s worthy of you giving it up. This includes his clearing his schedule to accommodate seeing you anytime or place,  driving whatever amount of distance to take you to a really nice dinner, or cooking you a really elaborate one at home. If he’s really good at his craft, he may even go as far as bringing you around his friends , (who all secretly know they are never going to see you again), because he is trying to paint the picture that he is going to keep you around regardless if you sleep with him or not.

Try to notice these things as well as little discrete things like he pulls out your chair or opens the car door for you wherever you go- because if he stops doing them after you’ve done the dead, you have your answer.

Setting Up Expectations

Also in the pre-sex phase, texting is a constant flow of compliments, endearments and interest in your life all day long, from morning to night. If you really like him you’re sitting there smiling down at your phone 24/7 and it’s not annoying the fuck out of you like it has with other guys.

He also likes everything you post, comments and makes your existence and his presence on social media known and felt. He calls you baby and sometimes even refers to you as “my girl”. Of course you’re going to get wrapped up and think this is what it will always be like as he is setting up the expectation that he’s so into you that he’s not going anywhere. It’s not hard to hope and believe that he’s going to be this and more once you let him in your bed.

Maybe he really does all this for you because he wants to. It very well could be, so try not to assume the worst. But remember that if that’s the case and he’s feeling you as much as he says and acts like he is, it’s as easy as this-he won’t want to end it so easily just because the chase is over.

Breaking Down Your Walls

In summary, during pre-sex ass kissing, he is gassing you up to take you for a ride, good or bad. You can’t help but to relish in it and hope for the best as you start to fall for him. Even the strongest of walls, such as my own, can crumble if he’s brought his “A” game, which he can and will if he wants it bad enough.  And, if he’s consistent and damn good at charming the fuck out of  you, chances are you are going to let that wall down sooner than you expected. This is the basis for the 90 day rule and waiting to have sex until you know him well enough that you can answer this one question, “Is he really this amazing or is this an act?”

Female Post Sex Anxiety

Ok, you had sex. Now some degree of anxiety kicks in for us ladies. Was it too soon or am I in the clear? He either becomes a complete asshole and ghosts you OR-he stays consistent and you ride off into the sunset.

In between these two extremes, there is a gray area -his wall building. In the wall building stage, guys are most likely trying to figure out if they want to continue with where things are going with you. He either wants it to or he doesn’t and I’m pretty sure he knows the answer once the chase is over. This is where we feel a shift in his actions towards us. The guy who truly likes you is going to up his ante and be everything he was before and more (you lucky bitch, you survived). But the wall builders are going to take a step back.

The Back Off

If he didn’t step back and knows you’re what he wants, his behavior is only changing for the better, proving that how long you waited didn’t really matter to begin with.  But if he decided to back off, he starts to question his feelings or whether he’s up for a relationship with you. He might then begin to seek out other options with other girls and get back on his dating apps. He stops texting or calling as much and seems so much busier and unavailable now. Soon the effort filled dates and willingness to accommodate his schedule to see you stops. It’s beyond confusing because he set a standard and now he’s lowering that and your expectations of him, probably so he can back out easily.

His actions have now caused you to be distant, or for some, a little neurotic, which is only natural as you have some degree of whiplash from his change in behavior towards you. Do you say something and look needy even though you aren’t, or flat out move the hell on?

The Real Him

The real person you are dating has likely surfaced by this point because sex can change things. He either holds up to all the expectations he set in the beginning or you’re left thinking that you just hallucinated the entire thing.

One thing that’s for sure – if you need to have the conversation, that you had to initiate, about what’s changed when you feel the shift, or he avoids it all together, he wasn’t ever that into you.

Let’s be honest, waiting 90 days to have sex with someone who you have a seriously electric spark with is like torture and just makes you want it more. This is especially true when everything they do and say gets you to let your guard down and trust them.

We may not have even known what we even wanted out of him to begin with, or where it was even going, but at the very least, we wanted him to be honest enough to stay true to who you thought he was or decent enough to admit it when he wasn’t.

Time will only tell who he is and if it ends up that you feel you made a mistake in having sex with him too soon or at all, just remember this one thing, you did it because you wanted him for everything you thought he was. Not every girl will be able to say that about him, so consider yourself rare and honest, even if you feel like a fool.

You will get over it, maybe not as easily as he did, but you will. As for the next guy who is lucky enough to date you, hold out a little longer and you will probably find that he was worth the wait.

 

 

 

 

The 7 Guys You Have To Date Before You Find The Right One — February 27, 2017

The 7 Guys You Have To Date Before You Find The Right One

Originally posted by Elite Daily at: http://elitedaily.com/dating/dating-wrong-guys-before-right-guy/1774912/ | Elite Daily on Facebook

At a certain age, the single life stops being fun for some, and it seems more like a chore. It can feel like holding up a mental score card after each dating experience. Maybe. Yes. No. Next. Hell No. But there’s a bright side to all this: In finding what we don’t want, it’s much easier to spot what we do want. Feeling like the modern-day Goldie Locks in search of something that’s just right, I’ve encountered a few types of men and situations that were so wrong, but still so beneficial to me.

The Total Mismatch

The mismatch guy is someone who is the polar opposite of you. He could be a totally harmless nice guy. But when you can’t tolerate another hike in your high heels, don’t care about dogs or nature and can’t listen to Fleetwood Mac for another split second because you’re more of a Nicki Minaj than a Stevie Nicks, it’s time to call it quits. You know it. He knows it. Stop being lazy in the dating game, and find someone who it just makes sense to be with.

The Narcissistic Womanizer

This guy blows hot right out the gate. Texting, calling, planning elaborate dates, swooning over you and flashing a nice house, car or a boat, he’s very intense, so it’s easy to get sucked in. He keeps around a ton of girls — who he most likely met online — and you’re the latest victim. You feed their ego for a short time, and then, they’re onto the next and back to you again once they get bored. Even though he sucks at life, dating him can be very valuable. He’s the one who will teach you how to spot the guy who’s only after one thing. Do not give it to him.

The Lit Frat Boy

He’s good-looking, definitely likes you and has good intentions. Actually, he likes you a little too much, which you notice by the second date when he brings you an enormous bouquet of three dozen roses. You also notice he drinks a little too much. Take this guy for a test drive, particularly on a night out with your friends, to see if he can hang. I knew my totally lit guy was history when he charged $300 at the bar with my friends, asked to be in their wedding, attempted to get on stage and sing a song to me with the band and ended the night by getting escorted off my property at 3 am by my friends, while screaming my name outside my window. Basically, don’t date a guy who can’t handle his liquor.

The Dork and The Horny 33-Year-Old Teenager

You know by the first date you’re not into these two. But you’re polite, so you suffer through the date with the dork, pretending to give a shit about atmospheric pressure and what kind of cheese is on the charcuterie board. Tell him straight out you’re not feeling it — it’s only fair. The horny teenager, on the other hand, is the guy who tries to go to second base with you out of nowhere, clearly missing the signs that you’re not into him and that you also haven’t liked anyone going up your shirt since eighth grade in your friend’s basement. Ghost him, please.

The Old Flame Who Continues To Burn You

We all have one. He’s the “what if” guy you always felt could be the one, but you blame timing (over a span of, like, 100 years), which, quite honestly, is some serious denial. If you can handle the pain, go for it. However, there are only three things that’ll happen. One, you will have comfortable, familiar and hot sex — lots of it. Two, after multiple failed attempts at something real and after being hurt by him for the final time, you will have had enough and finally realize he is not the one for you. This will give you a very clear picture of exactly how you do NOT want to be treated. And three, once you are done with him, you will never wonder, “What if?”again. He will be out of your system, thus opening you up for something real.

The Guy With A Double Life

This man has all the qualities you want. He’s attractive, relatable, lives close by, grounded, smart, stable, works hard and there’s a spark. You click. There’s a pretty good chance that there’s some serious potential here, but there’s just a few problems. He is always at work, like, at 2 am, 7 am, 3 pm and, damn, even on Sundays and on the 33rd of every month. Does he even sleep? Could he be a vampire? He has no idea when your next date is going to be until one hour before it’s supposed to happen. He calls and texts you all morning, but he disappears after 5 pm. Something is up. You may never know what it is, but use this experience to know that flaking out on dates and disappearing is not acceptable, no matter how much potential a guy has.

Hopefully, there won’t be many other duds you have to encounter on your quest for the one who fits. But don’t give up.  All the dating wrongs can open up your eyes to what is right for you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You will learn what you are looking for, what you will or will not tolerate and, most of all, what you want and need. Sooner or later, there’s going to be a guy who shows up unexpectedly and is someone who has everything you’re looking for. Being with him will feel effortless, and if you’re lucky, he will also be hot AF and never hesitate to take you anywhere  and show you off. And most importantly, he will tell you constantly how beautiful and amazing you are. Hang in there, girls!

Divorced Woman Reveals The 5 Things That Will Make Your Husband Want To Leave —

Divorced Woman Reveals The 5 Things That Will Make Your Husband Want To Leave

Originally posted by Elite Daily at: http://elitedaily.com/dating/divorced-woman-reveals-the-5-things-that-will-make-your-husband-want-to-leave/1797025/ | Elite Daily on Facebook

I bet most of us women can relate to the movie “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” The 21-year-old me in 2003 couldn’t help but shudder a little when Andie showed up to guys’ poker night and cried about the love fern that Ben let die.

Yes, Andie was a bit much and slightly crazy, but there definitely were some underlying truths in her actions. While trying to push Ben over the edge, she executed exaggerated versions of all the things women often think, and in extreme cases do wrong, in relationships.

Having been there in a failed marriage, I’ve learned some valuable lessons in making relationships work and some things women do that contribute to destroying them.

1. Trying to change your man. This is perhaps the most common fatal mistake we can’t help to make as women, but do anyway because it’s in our nature. Don’t do it. No, no, no, no, no. For whatever reason, you love and chose this man to be your partner. Yes, this may have been when you were in the euphoric stage of a new relationship, however, when you decided to enter into a relationship with him, you signed up for accepting him as he is. He may not need changing, and if you think he does, and that he should and will for you, you are sadly mistaken. While there are things that can and need to be worked on in relationships as they grow and change over time, it’s important to remember this is a two-way street and takes work on both parts. Do not tell him he watches SportsCenter too much, drinks too much beer, needs to lose weight or that he should not wear that ratty, 15-year-old T-shirt he loves. Because before he became your man, chances are, you knew all these things and probably even thought they were cute. Don’t assume now that you have him, you can mold him into a slightly improved version of himself. If he is genuinely good to you, compliment him. Make him feel good about himself by pointing out more of what you love about him, not what he can do better.

2. Trying to control your man. “Well we wouldn’t fight if you just did more of what I ask you to do.” Yes, I’ve said it, we’ve all said it — guilty as charged. This is a great way to not only make your man resent you, but also to get him to do a little more of what you don’t want him to do just because he’s “not allowed to do it.” Controlling a guy is a great way to encourage him go behind your back to do something he just feels like doing, even if it’s something completely innocent. When you don’t trust him enough to hang out with his friends or do anything without you or your approval, there’s something seriously wrong there. You aren’t his mother or keeper, you are his partner. We also aren’t 18 anymore and worried about our man going to the club and blacking out and bringing home a girl in a crop top. And if you are, you should probably re-evaluate why you would even worry he would do this to begin with. Being secure in your relationship means you don’t need to control his every move. If you’re controlling him, you are insecure, and that’s really not an attractive quality.

3. Not giving him enough sex. Let’s face it: Guys want it all the time. Unlike most women, they typically don’t need to emotionally attach or invest to get off. As women, though, it’s much easier for us to withhold sex. One of the biggest reasons we do is when we are not feeling fulfilled emotionally, or are simply pissed off at him, so the last thing we want to do is put out. But there’s another angle to consider here. You can probably get more attention and more emotionally fulfilled from him if you give him what he wants in the bedroom, and more often. I am not talking about rolling over on your side in the morning and letting him do what he wants to you. That lack of effort is pretty obvious and easily forgettable by him once he’s done. And I’m not referring to the half-ass oral performance you gave because he did the laundry. I’m talking about giving him something to think about all day when he’s at work. This does not include the type of sex (of any kind) that just gets the job done. I’m talking about the kind that blows his mind. Girls, you probably have some serious skills tucked away and my advice is to use them. Watch how quickly things change and sit back and enjoy the ride, literally.

4. Letting yourself go. As wives and mothers, the day to day hustle and bustle is no joke, and most of the time we put ourselves last. With that, it’s very easy to let yourself go. I’ve been there. When you’re tired and too busy to even pee, the last thing you want to do is coordinate outfits, blow out your own hair or fit in an hour at the gym. However, making the time and extra effort to look good is really not just for him, it’s for yourself. When you’re confident about how you look, and get praise for it, your mood can very easily improve, no matter how miserable your day was. Ever walk into work feeling defeated, but someone asks you if you lost weight or says they want your hair? If so, think about how you felt in that moment. The answer is probably damn good. If you look and feel damn good, he’s going to like that and want more of it and you’re going to want to give it and get more of it, which will drive you even more to keep up with it. So, make a daily visit to Pinterest — yes, it’s that easy. Find the latest hair and fashion trends and just work with what you already have. You’ll both benefit; it’s a win-win situation.

5. Coming between him and his family. Repeat after me, “I will not tell him his family sucks.” Don’t do it. They were there before you and are genetically bonded to him for life. Yes, there are situations where your man’s family might be terrible, but he doesn’t need you to point that out because if they are that bad, he most likely knows already. If there’s a conflict there, and it involves you, it’s best to let him settle it. If you go up against his family, you become public enemy number one and tables can turn on you very quickly. Take the high road because you love and respect him. Keep it classy. Don’t fuel the fire and let him put it out, or don’t even start it to begin with.

Sometimes I look back at some of my behavior in past relationships and think, if I only knew then what I know now. It’s very easy to focus on all the things he’s doing wrong, which don’t get me wrong, he probably is really doing. However, as a therapist, I can tell you that one of our biggest golden rules is to focus only on what we are doing and thinking, not on someone else’s actions. If you change how you feel and your reactions to others’ behaviors, it’s much easier to change the situation. But most importantly, try to remember and feel thankful you have a man who loves you. Do your part to keep that. Plus if you do, you can never say you didn’t try, and then you can blame his ass when it doesn’t work out.

 

Textpectations — January 10, 2017

Textpectations

The most knowledgeable database on the internet, Urban Dictionary, defines Textpectation as: The point where a text message is sent to someone and there is an expectation to receive one back, this wait, usually long and painful, is known as the “textpectation”. Texting has revolutionized the way people communicate over the past few years. Prior to texting, the most recent version of “talking without actually talking” form of communication we had was Instant Messenger in our dorm rooms. You know, when you fought with your roommates over who signed you off and signed themselves on, while you were trying to be cool with that away message that implies you are at Jager night at the bar down the street. Dammit, you were waiting for a reply from Shawn69 all day long. Now you will never know if he; a) responded to your IM or, b) saw the away message at all and, c) will show up where you are at tonight. And with that one swift click of the finger it’s going down in room 3o4 because that bitch signed you off. This sort of agony waiting for the IM is directly proportionate to the downward cycle that we sometimes experience when waiting for a text response these days. Texting, the more evolved version of spelling out words with numbers in beeper codes, while listening to Puff Daddy and the Family, gives us a way to speak our minds without actually speaking. Insert, 187, 143, and running to the nearest payphone. All being  that we can send a message without ever speaking a word. And with texting, sometimes when someone keeps you on read, the lack of response, is a response and message in itself. You feel me? Chances are, if someone has ever not responded to your text or waited a ridiculously long time to do so, yes, you feel me.

I wonder what our forefathers did to pass the time when waiting for that horse and carriage to roll up with that scroll. Like how did they deal not knowing if Abigail said yes to their proposal or met some other suitor while waiting for their letter to arrive for 2 months. If you think about it, you really have to appreciate the patience and restraint that our ancestors had. Nowadays, waiting over 10 minutes for a text back, unfolds a chain of events in our brains that starts with an innocent hello how are you and ends with us wondering what the hell we did wrong or if someone just died. Because it takes about 2 seconds to reply to a text, when we don’t get a response in a rational time frame, or at all, it’s not hard to cross over to the dark side very quickly.

There are several important factors that need to be considered when discussing textpectations. First, if in 2017, our phones are up our asses 24-7, how can it be so difficult for someone to text you back? Especially for men, who keep phones in their pockets? How can someone seriously reply 5 hours later with “Just saw this now”? Like for real, you just saw this now, but chat says you were on Facebook when I sent the text, you posted a pic of you with your phone in your hand on IG 4 minutes after I sent the text, updated your Twitter 23 minutes later and viewed my snapchat an hour ago? I don’t get it. You definitely didn’t just see this now. You just decided to respond to it now for whatever reason. So here comes the pile of reasons why it took so long. First there are the reasons we make up in our head that usually sound something like this…They are mad at me. They found out about that one time I called them a bitch. They got abducted by aliens. Their phone fell in the pool. They took a quick ride in an airplane. They died. They are cheating on me with Susan from the gym. They think I’m fat. And it only gets worse from there. Sometimes, we do get temporary relief when they give us a reason. Ohhhh they replied but they never hit send, ohhhhhh duh, now it all makes sense. Phew. I’m okay for about 8 minutes until I get a reality check and realize that most people go back into their messages at some point within a 24 hour time frame and can easily see if they’ve responded to a text. Game over.

When you text someone and it feels like the message must have gotten lost somewhere in the ethersphere or some shit, what you need to do is stop obsessing over what this means. In my secure relationships, like with my bff, I know it means nothing at all and that if she doesn’t respond it’s because she has to keep her phone in her purse at work. I know this because I get messages and status updates from her first thing in the morning, at lunchtime and again at 5pm. Or my mom, for example, when I don’t respond to her texts hits me with the HELLO????? YOUR PHONE IS UP YOUR ASS BUT YOU CAN’T RESPOND TO ME!! Yes she actually types it in all caps because she knows I’ll then respond to her. But the truth is, she knows deep down I’m fine, she’s just annoyed that I didn’t text her back. And when I don’t it’s because I’m busy or driving and I know that if I respond I’m opening the flood gates for her to text me repeatedly with small talk all day long. There’s something to be said about the nature of your relationship with the person that determines how you feel about the response time of a text. Like with my mom, I know she’s in my life and not going anywhere regardless, so I don’t worry about destroying our relationship over not replying to her text. But for others it’s much different. Like when you cannot double text someone you are dating or just met. Or sometimes you can’t be too eager in the texting game, so you have to wait a certain period of time before responding. They waited 2 hours and 33 minutes so I’m gonna hold out for a full 13 minutes before I text back. They never text me so I’m not going to text them, etc. But through all this, there are only a few times I will not reply to a text in a timely fashion, when I have mom brain and genuinely forget, I’m in the shower or I’m asleep. And, the only time I will ever completely disregard a text is when I have nothing to say. So I often assume that when someone doesn’t reply to me, they have nothing to say either. But sometimes, it just isn’t that deep. How do we know wtf it is without direct voice on voice or face to face contact???  We don’t.

Truthfully, it was much easier when Nextel allowed us to chirp back. But it’s not 2002 and Ludacris is not playing in the background. Technology has taken away from the intimacy of hearing someone’s voice. Yes, it’s convenient but it’s also lazy. And more importantly, a lot is lost in the translation of a text message whether that’s in content, lack thereof it or flat out lack of reply. At times, I still wonder if what I mean to someone is portrayed in what and/or when they respond to me. It’s hard to not feel that way since texting is so effortless, yet it has given us all way too much anxiety at some point or another. Minimize that anxiety by remembering this, it’s just a freakin message, if it comes back great, if not screw it. You simply have too much time on your hands if you are sitting around waiting for validation from that sweet Tri-tone sound and little red number to show up on your phone. Put the phone down and get back to your life and you. When someone is thinking about you they will text you, better yet they will call you. In the meantime, don’t sit around like a child in the forest waiting for a raven to show up with some crucial life changing message. This is not Game of Thrones, although it may feel like a game at times. Chances are if you have to wait for a raven, what’s really going to show up is a pigeon. So decide what your textpectation is, make sure you click on the correct contact more importantly, hit send (if you’re smart enough to remember that part) and release it. It’s really not that serious. One of two things are going to happen, you will having a meaningless but funny AF conversation and exchange of memes and screenshots, OR you will be wondering what the hell does this mean like you’re watching smoke signals in the sky, until you decide that texting as a form of communication for some really just doesn’t measure up. If it does, you will HMU first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Just the way I like it. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

Selfish People Are Getting the Boot in 2017. — January 2, 2017

Selfish People Are Getting the Boot in 2017.

After taking a little break from the blog, I decided that what better time than now to come back guns blazing for 2017. I mean it makes sense considering this is the time when everyone is thinking about all the life changes they are going to make this year, much of which only last until March. Which is totally normal, I don’t blame you for quitting the gym by then because it’s so god damn crowded and there’s nowhere to park and not one free cardio machine in sight until June. It’s okay to eat carbs again in 2 months or start swearing again by Valentine’s Day when you are home alone eating a box of chocolates watching The Notebook. Go ahead, talk shit about that co-worker that is pissing you off, because realistically you are lying to yourself if you vow to never say anything bad about anyone in 2017. I’m not here to teach that lesson today. But I am here to tell you that this has to be the year to remove selfish, toxic people from your life.

Anyone who brings negativity to your life, hurts you, uses you, makes you feel bad about yourself or brings out the worst in you needs to go. You don’t need me to tell you that. It’s a no brainer. But I’m only human and in fact, have made the same mistakes many times over, so I know at times, it’s hard to let these types of people go because you really want them in your life because you truly care deeply about them or have known them for so long, or you’re hoping they will change and will finally deliver on all the things they have been promising you. You tell yourself that you have such a connection that it would be a shame to let that go. Well, let me say this, if you had a genuine reciprocal connection, aka, they actually gave a shit about you, this person would do the things they needed to do to be a permanent fixture in your life, not dip in and out, only returning on their terms when they need something. Believe me, I would love to sit here and be the eternal optimist when speaking about the honesty and good intentions of others, but if 90s movies like Cruel Intentions and She’s All That taught us anything, it’s that everything’s a bet and you can’t trust anyone.

Let’s talk about why people lie. That’s very simple, to avoid consequences or get what they want. End of story. You may get lied to by omission, which, newsflash, is still a lie. Or get drip fed bits and pieces of the truth  over a period of time. Drip drip drip.The intention being that you may be able to handle the truth if you’re given it in small doses. Hell, even liars like to feel some sense of honesty within themselves and because they’ve given you small portions of the truth or left key parts out, for them they’re not doing anything wrong. Here’s some advice from me in this case, the one diet that doesn’t work with smaller portions is the bull shit diet. Either way, I’d personally rather be given some sort of effort filled bull shit that I can dissect later, than to have someone straight out avoid me in order to save their souls. When someone runs for the hills because they aren’t brave enough to take the heat for their behavior, that’s low. They may think they have a conscience or didn’t do anything wrong because they never had to explain it or never got confronted. Typically these cowards return at a later date when they feel they are no longer going to be asked questions they will have to answer with lies. Like you’re going to think, “Oh thanks for sparing me, I won’t ask you what the hell just happened”. Seriously?? You don’t need their favors, do yourself a favor and remove that poison from your life. They owed you more yet they didn’t even respect or care enough about you to explain anything to you, they just disappeared either overnight or pulled the good old gradual phase out on you, hoping you wouldn’t notice that they were no longer in need of your services.

Sometimes we punish ourselves for allowing this to happen to us. Especially when we already know history repeats itself.  I’ve thought many times, only fools get played like this. You can’t blame someone for showing up to the all you can eat buffet if we’ve opened the door and posted a sign saying come stuff your face for free. But just because you wouldn’t do something like exploit someone’s generosity, sincerity or feelings for you, that doesn’t mean they won’t do it to you. Honest people want to feel their honesty is reciprocated, so it’s only natural that we hope for the best and believe in someone we truly care about. Unfortunately, you can’t compare your ethics to other people’s, you aren’t them, and you don’t have a lack of moral code and aren’t missing that sensitivity chip that Jennifer Aniston once said Brad  was missing. And now look, even the biggest Brangelina supporters have to admit that Brad got his karma.

So how do we know when to “cut the cord”, as Dan, a bff work husband of mine says?  Look for the shade in the trees and trust your instincts when something doesn’t feel or sound right. Because that inner voice of doubt, in our deepest moment of uncertainty is usually where the truth lies. Listen to it. A person’s character will always show you who or what they are. And when someone shows who they are over and over again, at some point we have to say to ourselves, “Am I fucking blind???” It doesn’t matter if they say they need a friend, give you a sob story, or say they made a mistake (one that they won’t hesitate to make again). Yes, this can be tricky when you really do miss someone and enough time has passed, you may feel it’s only right to give them another chance, OR you think maybe everything happens for a reason and like divine intervention brought them back to your life or some shit. But I’m here to tell you to take the fucking rose colored glasses off. You are not in a movie. This is real life and you’re not going to feel better about their presence in your life, you’re going to feel anxious and afraid that they’re going to disappoint you again, because they will. You’re going to start looking and feeling crazy waiting for the other shoe to drop because you know the pattern all to well. And once you let that show, they have nothing better to use as a pathetic excuse for their treatment of you other than that you’re crazy so it’s ok. So, if you’re at a point where you literally cannot try anymore or waste another ounce of your life or breathe trying to have another “talk” with them that goes absolutely nowhere, then it’s time to go. It’s only a matter of time before they’re deleting and discarding  you again anyway, and you’re smart enough to sense when and why it’s coming. So close the door and deadbolt it shut.

People who mean you no harm, do you no harm. As someone who has many, many sincere, trustworthy, good natured souls in my life, and others dying to get in, I can tell you this, there simply cannot be anymore room in your heart, brain, or bed for someone who kills your spirit and drains you emotionally. Leave that blank space open for the ones who make time and space for you in their lives because they want to, not because you’re an option, back up plan or are temporarily serving a purpose for them. Know your worth and that you don’t deserve that, especially when you are fucking amazing and have so much to offer. I know I didn’t deserve even half of what’s come my way over the past few years, especially a painful divorce. It can be very sad when things don’t end up the way you wanted and you have to leave someone you love behind. But how others treat me is their problem, how I react is mine. So for those who didn’t make the cut this year, I wish you well. Maybe one day, you can recognize right from wrong and lay your head down at night feeling that you are an honest and good person. But until that day comes, just know that you can’t hide from who you really are, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Unfortunately, 2017 is the year of the Rooster.

Happy New Year My Fellow Hens!